CSI: American Carnage (Wednesday, May 6, 2020)
NEW YORK – The Times guy and the Post Guy are watching their screens. The Times guy takes a sip of BrewDog and says, Okay, It’s time. I’m gonna plug in now. The Post guy raises his glass. Do it, he says. The Times guy clicks on a link and a live feed starts up in small square to the left. Donald appears in a dark blue suit and red tie, of course. The Times guy and the Post guy watch intently. Donald’s standing on a stage. Lights are playing over him as though he’s a blimp floating above London in 1942. What’s that, wonders the Post guy. The Times guy says, Those are Hollywood lights. Okay. Here comes the meat. A band strikes up Hail to the Chief, morphs into Axl Rose blasting out Live and Let Die, and Gerrit Lansing trots out onstage, waving. Donald says into the mic, Gerrit! Incredible guy. Gerrit, how much have you pocketed? Alright, Mr. President, we’ve pulled $1.7 million out of this. Donald says, Everybody, how about that! Incredible! The audience applauds, Gerrit waves again. He says, It’s all because of you, sir, you showed us the opportunity, you gave it to us, and we took it. We grabbed it. Donald says, That’s what I like to hear. Thanks Gerrit. Here’s to many millions more! Gerrit waves and trots off, stage left. Donald says, Great guy. Some day, he’ll be wealthy. Hey! Here’s Katie Parker! Katie, in a silk gown with holes strategically cut, walks onto the stage, perfectly balanced on five-inch heels. Donald applauds. He says, Will you look at that! He continues clapping as Katie comes over and gives him a wet kiss on the chin. Donald smiles. The audience applauds louder. Katie says, I’ve pulled in $877,424 thanks to you. The audience applauds. Donald says, You’ll be in seven figures by tomorrow. Katie smiles. I sure hope so, she says, and don’t forget, we’ll do anything for you! Donald applauds. He says, as Katie exits, Here comes Richard Walters! The audience applauds. Richard waves. Donald says, Richard has raked in $755,324, which is not bad. Richard waves, the audience applauds. Donald says, Get that next bid in Dickie, we’ll push you over a million in no time. Richard applauds himself, the audience applauds, Donald applauds. Donald says, And now everybody, I know this is the moment you’ve been waiting for, the moment after the number one moment, which is seeing me – huge applause – and so I’m not going to make you wait any longer. Ladies and gentlemen, Brad Parscale! Donald draws out “Brad” for several seconds and tops it with an even longer “Scale.” Brad comes out on the stage. Lights are flashing, the band goes deep into Ohio. Brad waves. Donald says, Brad give the audience a taste of what it’s been like promoting me. Brad smiles and rubs his beard. Donald says, You were doing Fruit Loop boxes in San Antonio, right. Brad says, Cap’n Crunch. Donald says, same thing. I saw you and I said, You know what? This guy could be something with the right work done on him. Brad says, Yes, that’s what happened. Donald says, You’re not in Texas anymore, I love Texas, I love Texas. Brad says, No. No. Now, I spend a lot of my time in my $2.4 million waterfront house in Fort Lauderdale. Sometimes I’m at one of my million-dollar condos. I like to go out on my new $400,000 boat, or drive around in my Range Rover or Ferrari. Donald says, How about that! The audience whoops and applauds. People rise and stand and applaud. Brad bows to the right. Donald claps. He says, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Brad walks off waving. More applause. Donald finally says, That’s what awaits you, ladies and gentlemen. It’s all there. This is the moment. We are ready to receive you. And if you are in a remote location, no matter what your circumstances, operators are standing by. – Wednesday, May 6, 2020