CSI: American Carnage (Wednesday, May 29, 2019)
WASHINGTON – Okay Stevie, we’ll get to The Wall in a minute. You want some sliders? We got pulled pork. It gets between your teeth. Don’t worry Hec has got plenty of toothpicks. Hec, get me a slider! One for Stevie too. Donald tightens his wrapper and settles into the Executive Lounge recliner. He picks up the remote and says, You gotta see how I handled these really stupid questions. You know what I mean? Shinzo knew what was going on. I told him that and I think he understands that you gotta take a little risk if you want to pull off the biggest deal ever. I think it’s the biggest. Nobody has done anything even remotely like it. None of the other presidents ever understood how to do deals like this with these people. When you get right down to it, they’re all slopes, you know. Stephen says, Absolutely. It’s unbelievable that anybody would think you can trust any of them. Donald says, So they even ask me about the chairman with his beautiful, soft, round belly. It’s like one of those pillows in Mar. He fills a uniform, you know? Stephen says, Yes. Completely. Donald pushes play and continues watching his press conference with Shinzo Abe in Tokyo. A reporter asks about siding with a brutal dictator instead of former VP Biden. Donald pauses the teevee again and says, They do not understand the first thing about a deal. The chairman would have them for lunch. That’s why his belly is so beautiful — he eats Fake News™ for lunch. Donald smirks. Stephen smirks. Donald pushes play again. On the teevee, next to a pale Abe, Donald says, Well, Kim Jong Un made a statement that Joe Biden is a low-IQ individual. He probably is, based on his record. I think I agree with him on that. But, at the same time, my people think it could have been a violation. As you know. I view it differently. I view it as a man — perhaps he wants to get attention, and perhaps not. Who knows? It doesn’t matter. All I know is that there have been no nuclear tests. There have been no ballistic missiles going out. There have been no long-range missiles going out. And I think that someday we’ll have a deal. I’m not in a rush. Tremendous sanctions being put on the country of North Korea. Donald pauses the teevee, takes a big bite of his slider, and says, Here is the thing, Stevie, here is the sweetner. This is the subtle point. And the chairman is watching. He’s got a really nice teevee setup. Donald starts the show again. On the teevee Donald says, And, again, Kim Jong Un understands the unbelievable economic potential that country has. It’s located between Russia and China, on one side, and South Korea on the other. And it’s all waterfront property. It’s a great location, as we used to say in the real estate business. And I think he sees that. With all that water. Surrounded, except on the side where there is no water. And I have to tell you — one other country — I really believe that Iran would like to make a deal. And I think that’s very smart of them. And I think that’s a possibility to happen also. Even though, when you’re talking about Iran, there is no water. It’s all desert and many snakes. They’d probably like some water. Hey, we need some slaw. Hec! Hec! Get us some slaw right now! — Wednesday, May 29, 2019