CSI: American Carnage (Wednesday, May 22, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Sweetie, says Kellyanne, can you find my foot? The darn thing fell off yesterday and I’ve been hobbling around ever since. George looks up from Wanted: Dead or Alive, which he’s been watching on mute, and says, It’s in the playroom, honey. Don’t you remember? We were doing Stretch the Little Guy. George gets up and fetches Kellyanne’s foot. She smooths out the Velcro and flexes a bit. Kellyanne says, The president is so angry these days! Everything he says is about this darn PRESIDENTIAL HARRASSMENT! He really wants you to lay off the twitter. George says, If he wants me to lay off the twitter, then maybe he ought to lay off the Constitution. Kellyanne says, Oh, sweetie, you know he loves the Constitution, he just doesn’t think it ought to be used by all the angry and deranged Democrats who are beating him over the head with it. He considers that abuse. Nobody loves the Constitution like the president. Honey bear do you know where I put my right ear? I can’t seem to find it anywhere. George gets up, goes into the kitchen and pulls the right ear out of a glass of water where it was beginning to root on the window sill. He hands it to her. Thanks babypie, she says, and snaps the ear into place. Kellyanne says, You really shouldn’t encourage Justin to run for president, you know. It annoys the president. We only have one president. Sweetie face, you’re a lawyer, you know we have a president already and that’s the president. If someone else comes along, that’s illegal on its face, and the president will be forced to take serious action under the law, if you know what I mean. Remember what mom and dad told us about Chicken Man and the Gentle Don? George says, Oh I remember. The president reminds me every day. He says that everything the Democrats are asking him for is based on an illegally started investigation that failed for them, especially when the Mueller Report came back with a NO COLLUSION finding. Now they say Impeach President Trump, even though he did nothin wrong, while they fish! When the president starts talking about fishing, I think of Chicken Man. Kellyanne says, Well, luvie, he’s upset. Every day it’s, Trump did this, Trump did that. It’s so repetitive. Dearheart, can you find my left thumb? I don’t know where I put it and I’ve got to butter some toast and get out of here. George picks up the thumb from the floor beside the bed and hands it to Kellyanne. She screws it into places. George says, Justin should run against your guy on the Libertarian ticket. Kellyanne says, Oh don’t be silly, sweetie pants, nobody opposes the president if they value future and their family. You know that. George says, This would be a supreme act of patriotism by Rep. Amash. Oh, pshaw! says Kellyanne. Pass me my eyeballs, loveydovey. – Wednesday, May 22, 2019