CSI: American Carnage (Wednesday, May 15, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Donald pulls his wrapper tight while Mike rubs his toes. Donald says, Okay, okay – this is one of the great parts. On the teevee he is telling the gas fans gathered at the Sempra plant that his election was the highest rated in Hackberry history, okay, higher even than Deepwater Horizon, although that got real great ratings too. With the flames and the mutant shrimp. Donald pauses with the remote. Mike says, Sire, oh Sire, please let the good parts roll. I love your good parts, they are so firm and with the mental heft, like the great hackey sacks of French Lick. Donald says, Okay, I’m gonna start it back up in a sec, but you gotta get at that yellow shit and the flakes on the other foot. Mike says, As you wish Magnificence. Donald says, Put the residue on the plate there for analysis. Now this is the part where I really show em who’s what, you know, which is the whole point of being president. On the teevee, Donald straightens his white hard hat. He looks over the crowd of gas guys and says, I love these hats. They are great, the hats. You know, We have ended the war on American energy and we have ended the economic assault on our wonderful energy workers. And you were under assault with the economic. And now they talk about the Green New Deal. The gas workers all boo. Fuck Green Deal someone yells. Donald smiles and points. Donald says, The Green New Deal. Everybody go home. You’ve just lost your jobs. A burst of boos breaks out. Donald pauses the teevee and says to Mike, You gotta know your fans. You play to your fans and they don’t give a shit about nothing else. Remember that Preach. Mike says, Yes, Sire. Donald restarts the teevee. He stops it again. You gotta speak the language that they come to hear, okay? That makes them think you’re onto something and they’re real smart for knowing what you know already. Works every time. Donald starts the teevee again. He is telling the gas guys: The Green New Deal is — that’s a hoax, like the hoax I just went through. The gas fans all laugh. Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! They applaud. Donald nods. He says, All of the thousands of guys and women standing on these buildings get fired; they go home. Because under the Green New Deal, they don’t like clean, beautiful natural gas. They don’t like anything. They don’t know what they like. They sort of like wind, even though it kills all the birds. You want to see a bird cemetery? Go under a windmill sometime. You’ll see the saddest, you got every type of bird. And the tumors. Lots of tumors. You know, in California, you go to jail for five years if you kill a bald eagle. If you go under a windmill, you see them all over the place. Not a good situation. The gas guys cheer the bald eagles. They boo the graves of the bald eagles. Donald says, That’s what they were counting on: wind. And when the wind doesn’t blow, you don’t watch television that night. The gas guys, on a roller coaster of emotion, all laugh. Donald does his squeaky voice: Your wife said, What the hell did you get me into with this Green New Deal, Charlie? The gas guys laugh and Donald turns all the way around, soaking in the love. He says, There’s never been anything like this. We are fueling the world and we are saving the bald eagles and we are doing it better and faster and greater than any president in the history of them. — Wednesday, May 15, 2019