CSI: American Carnage (Wednesday, May 1, 2019)
WASHINGTON – Donald is stretched out on the recliner in the executive lounge. He is on his cell. He says, Johnny, I want more car fires. We only got a couple. We need more. Get more. Johnny says, Sure, Boss. Donald says, I got some Russians in Queens. Johnny says, The plan is for the bearded guys we got in Miami to short hop it to Caracas. We could use your Queens guys. Donald says, The thing is, here is the thing, it’s Fidel, he’s been propping up this other guy for years. Johnny says, The Cubans, we believe, have played a very significant role in propping Maduro up today, possibly with help from the Russians. That’s the speculation, certainly in Caracas. Donald says, What I’m saying, for fuck’s sake. He sits up and knocks the guac on the floor where it splatters on the rug. Donald says, Shit. Lemme get back to you Johnny, I got the security guys coming. He hangs up and calls out, Hector! Hector! Hector moves from the shadows near the fridge and stands before Donald. Hec, get this shit cleaned up, will ya. Toss it in the garbage and get me another bowl. Also some cheese sticks and a coke, okay. Like now. Hector bows and withdraws to the kitchenette in search of a broom. Goddamn it! Donald says. He glances at the muted teevee, paused for the moment as he applauds on stage. Donald restarts the video at the point where he tells the Green Bay crowd, You know, Canada, we love the song, Oh Canada. Let’s sing, Oh Canada, right. We love the show. But who knows, I always say, Who knows? Because who the hell knows? Donald chuckles as he watches. Right, he says. You don’t know. Who does? I do, but they don’t. They don’t know shit except the hats. Lots of hats. He chuckles again. Donald’s cell rings. He says, Yeah Rudy. What the fuck is it now? Yeah, yeah. Look, nobody goes anywhere near that dump. We don’t owe those assholes anything. They’re just trying to grease me, ya know. Reminds me of Crazy Joey. He shoulda gone to Vinnie’s down the block, ya know. But no. He got greased. These dicks don’t know shit, by the way, and we’re not gonna tell em nothing, okay, nothing. The whiner can go and whine all he wants. Stupid Jerry and the rest of the crooks will eat it up. But nobody believes this Mueller. Just a whiner. Yeah. And all the cry babies around him. They don’t have the balls. Nobody can touch us, okay, nobody. They are all chicken shit turkeys. Don’t worry about it. Just make sure you keep Joey No Socks up to speed, okay. Up to speed. And get me fucking Fidel. I want Fidel here. Now. Right now. Donald ends the call and unmutes the teevee and listens as the crowd cheers when he tells them, This I don’t — I tell you what, you know, people say, Oh, he wants to take over the country. He wants to extend. They don’t believe I’m leaving in six years. He wants to extend, he wants to have a presidency for life. The crowd begins to chant, USA! USA! USA! Donald smiles on them, He says, I promise you. You’re right, USA. We love USA and that’s right. And that’s what this fight is all about. We’re taking on the failed political establishment and restoring government of, by, and for the people, it’s the people, you’re the people, you won the election. And if you look at what’s happened with this scum that’s leaving the very top of government, people that others used to say, oh, that’s one that dirty, these were dirty cops, these were dirty players. Donald settles in. He pauses the teevee. Hector! He shouts. Hector! We got guac all over the fucking floor. – Wednesday, May 1, 2019