CSI: American Carnage (Tuesday, May 7, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Master, Master, I have followed your directions to the letter and completed the task. I have successfully denied the demand for your tax returns. Donald looks up from the recliner in the Executive Lounge. There are paper cups and red plastic straws scattered on the floor. Wads of greasy paper cascade off the side table. Donald shouts for Hector, Hector! Hector! I want something to drink! Hector powers up and rolls away from his nook. The floor is covered with obstacles — cans and bottles, old paper cartons, bones in small piles — forcing Hector to continuously rotate into new directions, faster and faster. Donald shouts. Hector! Get your butt over here, now! Hector is spinning within a particularly littered area of the lounge. Master, Munchkin says, I have fulfilled your demand. Donald says, Munchkin, get me the donuts, okay, the ones over by the fridge with the jelly, and something to drink, like a coke or a Dr. Pepper, and while you’re up, push Hector back into his duty-free zone and clear some of the crap out of the way, okay, you were supposed to do that before, that’s what I said when Tiger was here, or did you forget? Munchkin rises. He says, No, Master, no, I didn’t forget. I was completing my mission. I have done that. He hurries over to the spinning Hector and eases him back into the charging nook and then grabs a broom and pushes debris over to the wall. Munchkin says, They will not get your tax returns, Master. I have refused them access. They are confused about what to do. And now Louise is so excited! Master! She sees a rainbow of Roland Mouret pants, Tom Ford sunnies, Hermes scarves, Valentino Rockstud heels, all piled in the Airbus/Eurocopter AS 365N-2. Oh Master! Can you see us slowly descending onto the pad built into the new ranch in Maunaloa! And the door opens and Louise steps out, catching her Rockstud on the little staircase the servants have placed for her. Oh, Master, think of it! She stumbles, just a bit, her Oscar de la Renta dress hikes up her bare thigh, exposing her creamy flesh to the harsh Maunaloa sun! But you can protect her, Master! Wouldn’t that be exciting? So, Master, with that in mind, and with the tax returns safely hidden away, perhaps you can present the payment promised when I took on the assignment. We are so excited! Donald says, You know, Munch, I got all these angry, corrupt Dems coming from all directions. Not everybody can deal with so many things at so many different times and from so many directions, not many can do that. It’s a lot. Only I can deal with it. Munchkin says, Master, you are amazing. Where can I pick up the payment? Donald says, Okay, you gotta go to the office in New York and ask for Michael. Michael knows all about it. You’ll have to ask him. — Tuesday, May 7, 2019