CSI: American Carnage (Tuesday, January 29, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Mitch has got the eyes of a lizard and when he gives that little pursed smile, the yellow poison oozes from the corners of his mouth, just a few drops to show he’s loaded to kill, and then out comes his hankie and he wipes it away, says Kellyanne. Ha ha. What a ruthless fellow. Honey, can you pass me my eyeballs, I think they’re in the bathroom. George has been lying on the settee watching Wanted: Dead or Alive on mute. He gets up, scoops Kellyanne’s eyes from the toothbrush cup, and hands them over. She pops them in. Kellyanne says, That’s better. You know, the president is really pissed off about the Cliff Sims book. George says, I wonder why — the guy’s only been trashing him all over the teevee. It’s been gorgeous to watch. Kellyanne, I can’t hear you sweetheart. Could you pass me my ears? I think they’re on the counter in the kitchen. George says, Oh, baby. Why did you leave them there? The cat will get them for sure. Kellyanne says, Can you get them, Sugar? George runs downstairs and returns with the ears. You dodged a bullet, honey, the cat is still drugged on the radiator. Kellyanne snaps in her ears. She says, Ahh. This Sims book has really gotten under the president’s skin. George lies back down on the settee. Kellyanne says, He’s hopping mad about it. George says, I don’t think the president can hop. Kellyanne says, Oh you. The president says, Who is this guy? Why is he writing this book? He wasn’t even in meetings. He just ran the camera. He’s the videographer. George says, Yeah, the videographer who never forgets anything. He took good notes. Sweetheart, he described you as a cartoon villain brought to life, which I thought was a little over the top. Kellyanne says, I am not the number one leaker in the White House. I’m gonna tweet that out. Kellyanne quickly bats out a few words on her cell. She says, Take a look, hon. George glances at the tweet and hands the phone back to Kellyanne. She shoots it out: While it’s rare, I prefer to knife people from the front, so they see it coming. George says, I don’t know, sweetie. There’re lots of people pushing up daisies with knives in their backs. Isn’t that how they do it in Jersey? Kellyanne says, Oh George, don’t be so dramatic. Only the president uses those old tactics. The phone rings. George answers. He says, Yeah, yeah. Okay John. He hangs up. Kellyanne has snapped on her nose and smoothed over the Velcro edges with powder. Who was that? she says. George says, That was John Baron. He wanted me to tell you how pissed his friend the president is and that you need to get on Fox with some Sims dirt. He says the president never even heard of Sims. He says Sims is probably illegal and should be deported. He says Sims is a lying dog. He says Sims was pushed on the president by Paul Ryan, another dog. They all have bad breath. He wants you to contact Joey No Socks and take care of Sims. Kellyanne sighs. She says, Why would he be calling me? I just spent the day with him talking about this nonsense. George says, A woman’s work is never done. Kellyanne says, Not in this White House. Pass me my chin and the phone, hon, I should give Doocer a call.
— Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2019