CSI: American Carnage (Tuesday, February 5, 2019)
WASHINGTON — All right, says Donald, we got the kid, right? Maryanne says, Right. Donald says, Joshua Trump, he’s the sex trafficker, right? Maryanne says, No. He’s the child from Delaware who tells his mom he hates himself because his name is Trump. Donald says, What the hell? I thought he was the sex trafficker. We got a trafficker, right? Maryanne says, Well, not a trafficker, per se, no sir. Donald says, What about victims? So this Joshua thinks he’s some kind of victim? Maryanne says, He’s been called names at school because he shares a last name with you. Donald says, Names? You gotta be tough. They will call you every name in the book. Particularly, the liars and the Fake News™ and the crooks and the Angry, Cheaters, who know who they are. They will stop at nothing when it comes to Trump, Maryanne says, Yes. Little Joshua represents people who’ve been bullied. Donald says, What the fuck? You got to be tough, that’s the way I operate. Okay. What about victims? Maryanne says, Well we have relatives of a murdered couple. Donald says, Why? Maryanne says, The suspected killer is believed to be in the country without proper documentation. Donald says, Good. Good. Do we have the killer? It would make for great teevee. Bring him in here. The ratings would be terrific. It would send Nancy up the wall. Chuck would start bawling away. Devin could arrange name calling and maybe some light stoning. Maryanne says, No, he’s in Washoe County jail. Donald says, Reno? Maryanne says, Yes. Donald says, Reno’s got some great casinos, beautiful casinos with the tremendous lights. Mountains are great. Beautiful women, very sexy and beautiful. Reno’s great. Any other victims, that’s what I’m asking. Maryanne says, Well we have a guy released from jail after 35 years on a drug charge. Donald says, Drugs? What else? Maryanne says, Nothing else. Donald says, Do we have like more victims? Maryanne says, Well, we have a young mom who’s recovering from drug addiction. She’s gonna be reunited with her daughter. Donald says, Great. A drug addict. Maryanne says, We got a cop from the Pittsburgh synagogue shootings. Donald says, We got anybody who’s a serious victim? Maryanne says, Well, they’re pretty much dead. Donald says, No, no. Like a wounded warrior type, you know, arm bandaged, head bandaged, that kind of thing. For the teevee. Maryanne says, No. We have a some first responders, but no wounded or corpses. We have a man who was late to the service. He’s a survivor. We’ve got a former drug dealer, you know, Kim talked to you about her, and we got the father of a young man killed on the USS Cole in Yemen some years ago. Donald says, That’s it? Maryanne says, That’s it. But sir, consider: Together they tell your story of America triumphing against all odds. America regenerating, like a lizard that’s lost it’s tail and grows a new one, bigger, better, stronger. Your guests say to people, You can knock us down with your illegal immigrants and your prisons, your draconian laws, your crappy schools and your wars and your gunmen everywhere — but we keep coming back. We rise and we walk straight with our new lives into the future. Donald says, Like the tails, the new lizard tails. I like the way you put that. I’m gonna use it. Now I have some Executive Time scheduled right now. So thank you. What is your name? Maryanne says, Maryanne, sir. Donald says, You did very well, Maryanne. You’re very well spoken. We are looking for well spoken, clean young women with blond hair. Make sure you leave your name and number with Mick. Maryanne says, Thank you, sir.
— Tuesday, Feb. 5, 2019