CSI: American Carnage (Tuesday, December 11, 2018)
Donald sits behind his broad, pristine desk in the Oval. He holds his pen above a blank sheet of paper. There is a knock. Donald says, Come. The door opens and a fresh-faced young man enters the room. Donald looks up. He says, And you are? The young man says, Timothy, sir. But most everyone calls me Timmy. Donald says, Why are you here? Timmy says, Interview, sir. I’m applying for the open position as chief of staff. I read about it on Craig’s List. Donald says, Just a moment while I finish some work here. He signs his name and rings a buzzer. Hector enters, removes the paper, and exits. Donald turns to Timmy. He says, This is a tough job. You need a lot of stamina. There’s a lot of travel and there’s a lot of competition. Timmy says, I’ll bet there’s competition. But, sir, no one is better prepared to serve you and you alone. You, of course, would be your best chief of staff, but I’m ready to be number two. Donald says, Well, this afternoon we have a number of Mexican nationals — multitalented, men and women able to garden, bus tables, dress your president, clean toilets – and perform the tough chief of staff job. They do what they’re told, not what the Fake News™ thinks they should do. They don’t steal. Do you steal? Timmy says, No sir. Unless you direct it. Donald says, That’s a good start. Now there are a number of other candidates we’re considering, men who have the courage of their convictions. You wouldn’t have any problem taking down lesbians or the gays, would you? We have some very strong candidates, anti-gay, anti-queer, why do they call them queer? I don’t know. Timmy says, Convention sir. Donald says, Very sharp. Now you appear very young. Timmy says, I’m younger than I look, sir, but that’s deceptive, if you know what I mean. Donald says, Good, good. Do you have your own agenda? Like, what you want to do even if I want to do something smarter? Timmy says, Absolutely not, sir. You are the smartest leader of the free world. My job, as I see it, is to make sure that what you want done, is done, and what you don’t want done, is not. Donald says, Good, good. Do you have any experience? Timmy says, Sure. Donald says, Good, very interesting. We are not going to humiliate our great vets, that’s the first thing. Timmy says, No way. Donald says, Very good. If I offer you this job, which by the way pays very well, you are not gonna turn around and say, Well I want to spend time with my family. Timmy says, Absolutely not, sir. You are my family. Donald says, You are a very strong candidate. There are others. My good friend Jon Voight is going to apply for this job. We go way back. Plus Jon has the experience. He played Secretary of Defense John Keller in the first Transformers movie, grossed a billion dollars. You remember that part where Maggie tells the admiral that they hacked the firewall? Timmy says, Sure. Donald says, And she tells them all that the signal pattern is evolving and you gotta start thinking quantum mechanics and the admiral says no way and Maggie suggests a DNA-based computer and the Secretary of Defense tells them to can it because if they don’t come up with a filter on that brain-mouth thing, they’re finished. Timmy says, Okay. Donald says, Can you come up with a filter brain-mouth thing? Timmy says, As good as anybody’s, Sir, if that’s what you want. Donald says, Okay. We’ll be in touch. He signals to Timmy that the interview is over and pulls another piece of paper and a large pen from his desk drawer.
— Tuesday, Dec. 11, 2018