CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, May 30, 2019)
WASHINGTON –The Times guy pushes open the door of the Off the Record and sees the Post guy at the bar. He walks over and says, Mind if I join you? startling the Post guy who jumps and says, No have a seat. Barkeep! Two BrewDogs and chasers! Outside, the rain pelts a lonely cab waiting in the darkness. The Times guy says, Doesn’t anybody read any more? The Post guy says, You mean the Mueller thing? Naw. Mueller didn’t say anything that wasn’t in the report. But nobody read the report except for Warren and Justin Amash. Some of the teevee people read it, I guess, Maddow, Chris Hayes. It’s a lot easier to report about something somebody says about a 500-page report then it is to read 500 pages and report about the actual findings, you know, weigh the details, discuss the actors, consider what it, you know, says. The Times guy says, Most of the teevee people haven’t read it and so when Mueller gets up there and says what’s already in the report, it gets blared onto the airwaves as though it’s a revelation and a new thing. The Post guy says, Yeah, Sean cut to the chase. The Times guy says, What did he say? The Post guy says, Sean tried to put a fine point on it. He said, Mueller was basically full of crap. That’s a quote. The Times guy says, Oh. Well that may be true, but not for the reasons Sean might entertain. Laura said Mueller was doing a mean-girl thing. Tucker just said Mueller was sleazy and dishonest. The Post guy says, What bothers me more is when people like Kamala Harris say it’s a fair inference from what we heard in that press conference, that Bob Mueller was essentially referring impeachment to the United States Congress. The report says exactly that. The Times guy says, I kinda like what Rudy said. The Post guy says, What’s that? The Times guy says, He said there was nothing new in Mueller’s statement and called Mueller and his staff biased. The Post guy says, Biased? You mean they authored the report they were describing? The Times guy says, Yes. What about Donald? The Post guy says, WITCH HUNT! They’re ramping up the coup narrative. The Times guy says, Yeah. I saw that Kayleigh says it’s time to turn to the origins of the Russia hoax and get to the bottom of why the Trump campaign was spied on by the Obama-era DOJ and FBI. The Post guy says, Coup. You know, Chris Wray, who’s Donald’s guy at the FBI, is in on it too. Treason. Barr is leading the effort to uncover Obama’s involvement. Hillary. It’s all in the missing emails. She’s working with Russian intelligence. A hoax has been perpetrated on the American people. Chris Farrell says that it was an effort to unseat or destabilize the Trump administration. He wants to know: What did Obama know? What did he approve? What did he tacitly nod his head for? What did he explicitly authorize? He wants Obama under oath. More treason. Comey. McCabe. Strzok, Page. The Times guy says, Stop! Stop! The Post guy says, You can’t stop. You gotta keep reporting. Donald says, NO COLLUSION! NO OBSTRUCTION! Part of your job is to report that and the fact that the report is chock full of COLLUSION and OBSTRUCTION. That’s our job. The Times guy says, I know, I know. It’s just that I can’t stand it! No matter what you report, it’s not enough. There’s always something else. Donald makes something up and it gets reported and then you gotta spend all this time reporting that it’s just a lot of bullshit thrown at the wall. And before you hit print it’s on to something else. Did you know that the Navy threw a tarp over the SS McCain in Tokyo so that Donald wouldn’t see it? The Post guy says, Stop! Stop! The Times guy says, Yeah, Donald didn’t exactly deny it. He tweeted, I have it here, he tweeted: I was not informed about anything having to do with the Navy Ship USS John S. McCain during my recent visit to Japan. Nevertheless, @FLOTUS and I loved being with our great Military Men and Women – what a spectacular job they do! The Post guy says, Sheesh. Does he say anything about the war criminals he’s contemplating pardoning? The Times guy polishes off his chaser. Barkeep! he shouts. Two more! — Thursday, May 30, 2019