CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, March 21, 2019)
WASHINGTON – Donald grabs a coke and collapses on the recliner in the executive lounge. He says, You know, Stevie, nobody stood up to Johnson and Nixon and the whole Vietnam mess more than I did, I fought like hell to end that dumb war, not like that fucker McCain who signed up and then surrendered to the North Vietnamese and spent the entire war, the whole fucking war, in a hotel, a hotel! And when he finally decides he wants to cash in the chips here, where are the chips? Hector, Hector! Get some chips over here, like now, not tomorrow, and they all welcome him back like he’s some kind of hero, for spending his time in the Hanoi Hilton, and I hear from Paris, who ought to know, for chrissakes, it’s her fucking family’s hotel, I hear from Paris that he stayed in the VIP suite, the VIP! What a frigging hero who then rides that into the Senate, where he fucks up everything he touches, and couldn’t even take down a black guy for president, couldn’t beat a fucking Muslim from Kenya, couldn’t beat him, couldn’t crush him into the pathetic, and then what happens, I’ll tell you what happens, he comes back to the Senate where he is only interested in fucking with me, that’s his only interest, and he kills the goddamn repeal and replace with his fucking thumb — cute, Stevie, very cute, — and he argues with every goddamn thing we try to do here, which are all good things, great things, and we do a lot of them anyways, despite this low-grade individual and his fucking thumb, and if that isn’t bad enough he’s jealous, Stevie, jealous of all the pussy I get, he can’t stand it, because I always get more pussy than McCain because, you know, they call him soft, not many people know that, soft, do you know why? Ill tell you, I never knew it until I went to Hanoi myself to meet with Chairman Kim, who is not soft, in fact, he’s got a good package and can piss at least 15 feet, 15 feet, which is pretty good, but I do 25, which is more than 15, much better, and the Chairman was impressed, and after that, the Vietnamese, who were very nice, great people, the Vietnamese told me that McCain was soft when they sent in the girls, which does not surprise me in the least, because, you know, like, the war guys are always about the macho this and the macho that, and they never get it done, but I’m not a war guy, I just get it done, pronto, just look at ISIS and tell me who gets it done, me or the war-mongering black guy and his buddy McCain, so look at this map I got here, with the red covering Syria under Obama and his bunch of failures and dumb guys, and this is the map now, no red, no ISIS, ISIS gone, like those fucking bugs at the border, and despite all of these insults and foul-mouthed comments, and then he turns around and gives the phony dossier to the FBI and the Fake News™ and so dishonest, just a complete hoax, and all his wars, he loved the wars, so I endorsed him at his request, and I gave him the kind of funeral that he wanted — which, as president, I had to approve. I don’t care about this, I didn’t get, thank you, but that’s okay, we sent him on the way, but I wasn’t a fan of John McCain, so now, what we could say is: Now we’re all set, I don’t think I have to answer that question, but the press keeps, What do you think of McCain? What do you think? Not my kind of guy, but some people like him, and I think that’s great. Now let’s get back and let’s get on to the subject of tanks and this economy, which is the greatest.
— Thursday, March 21, 2019