CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, June 11, 2020)
SEATTLE – The Times guy pulls out his binoculars and surveys the street below. His beard gets caught in the strap forcing hair up his nostrils. He sneezes and untangles the beard, which begins to slip below his ears. He adjusts the ties and says, Damn beard! Ah, but its great to be in the field again! Smell that Mount Rainier air! The Post guy adjusts his glasses and mustache. He laughs and says, You know, you look just like St. Nick. Ha ha ha. The Times guy says, Good. Would it be better if I looked like a reporter for the New York Times? Okay. The street barricades are at one o’clock, you see them? He hands the binoculars to the Post guy who jabs them into his glasses, knocking off his nose and mustache. Dammit! he says. Look, why don’t we just go in without disguises? We are the press! They want us to write about them. Also, these are terrible disguises. The Times guy sighs and says, You’re right. They take off beard and mustache and glasses and head down into the Seattle Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, the boiling front in Donald’s latest war. At the checkpoint leading to the zone, the reporters are greeted by no one, no one is standing sentry, no guards bar their way, although there are lots of children coloring the street with chalk pictures. A group of protestors watches a movie down the block. Hey, says the Times guy, what are they watching? The Post guy says, It looks like Ana DuVernay’s 13th. The Times guy says, Look over there, It says, No Cop Co-op. Hey, they’ve got some water. He walks over. Could I have a bottle of water, please? A woman hands him a bottle of LaCroix. The Times guy takes out his Visa card. The woman says, No charge. No dollars accepted here. The Times guy says, We’re looking for the antifas and the anarchists. Do you know where we can find them? The woman just laughs. The Post guy tells her, The president is telling the whole nation and the world that Seattle is under siege. The woman just laughs. You’re shitting me, she says. The Times guy says, No, it’s true. He pulls out his cell phone and shows the woman the president’s latest tweets: Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump Radical Left Governor @JayInslee and the Mayor of Seattle are being taunted and played at a level that our great Country has never seen before. Take back your city NOW. If you don’t do it, I will. This is not a game. These ugly Anarchists must be stooped IMMEDIATELY. MOVE FAST! The woman hands a bottle of water to a child and reads the next message from the president: Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump Domestic Terrorists have taken over Seattle, run by Radical Left Democrats, of course. LAW & ORDER! At that moment, a voice comes up over a loudspeaker down the block. It says, Hey, everybody! We’re going to celebrate our first marriage in a minute. Everybody gather round here at the Andrea and Richard Fayerweather Memorial Circle and give it up for Chuckie206 and Joy the Cat! They’re going to tie the knot, right here in the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone! Afterwards, spaghetti! – Thursday, June 11, 2020