CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, July 2, 2020)
IMPORTANT NOTICE!!
Due to the exponential growth of Hoaxes, CSI: American Carnage will not appear today. The Editors urge all readers to remain sheltered in place and to apply appropriate filters to all interactions. Sources of these Hoaxes, which are surging uncontrolled in at least 49 states and the District of Columbia, are as yet undetermined. However, thanks to rapid deployment of contact-tracing personnel units, a major hotspot has been tracked to Washington DC. All information and data emanating from the area bounded by Massachusetts Avenue, 17th Street, Independence Avenue, and the Potomac River to the west, should be immediately isolated and locked down until examined by appropriate public-health officials. We urge readers to remain calm but vigilant. Do not heed automated calls claiming “we will get through this” or similar bromides. Do not listen or view any messages purporting to be from the Emergency Broadcast System. The Editors have dispatched the largest CSI team in history to report on this crisis. This is a developing story. The Editors