CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, January 9, 2020)
WASHINGTON – There is a knock at the door of the Executive Lounge. Donald mutes the video of his rally in Battle Creek, brushes some Frosted Flakes off the arm of the lounger, and tightens his wrapper, Come! he says. Steve enters and approaches. Highness, he says, they are demanding that travel expenses for the royal family be reported as part of the new Secret Service regulations. Donald says, And? Steve says, And nothing. They want to know what the government pays for all family travel expenses. Donald says, So? We’ve been reporting expenses for years and years. They don’t know anything. We put the number in and then they send us the check. Very simple. But now that you’re here, I want to talk with you. Steve swallows and adjusts his glasses. Donald shouts, Hector! Hector! We need some refreshments. There’re a couple of cokes in the fridge. Or near it. Hector unplugs from his niche and whirs into action. There is a large, spreading area of green, algaelike growth creeping in from the rear of the Lounge. Hector edges passed it and heads for the fridge, cutting a path through a growing mound of old containers and boxes of Starburst Yoplait, mostly cherry, Fruity Pebbles, half full, crushed Keebler’s Frosted Animal Cookies, and last month’s largely melted shipment of Mr. Goodbars. Whatever is moving near the fridge scatters as Hector picks up the cokes and brings them to Donald. Hector returns to his niche. Donald says, I wasn’t going to say anything, Steve-O, but you’re here. The drop last month was light. Seriously light. Steve adjusts his glasses. He says, Really? I am shocked. Donald says, It may have escaped your attention. Or maybe Louise – is that her name? Steve nods and swallows. Donald says, Maybe Louise needed some extra jewelry or something, a trip to Monte, something like that. Steve says, No, no. We counted it out. We used the adder to factor the percentages. We put it in the envelope and delivered it to the usual place. Donald says, Really? Because Joey brought the envelope directly to HQ and it was light by 62.379 percent. Steve shakes his head. Beads of sweat run down his temples. Donald continues, Now I know you’ve got expenses. Louise is a beautiful woman and beautiful women cost a lot. I know. Joey says he could visit you or maybe visit Chris Cuomo with an envelope of his own, maybe it might contain a letter in it, or some pictures, I don’t know, but I told Joey, no, no. Steve-O is a serious man of business, a man of honor, it’s probably just an oversight, a mistake. But, Steve-O, mistakes need to be corrected. That’s the way the system works. You let one person make a mistake, then everybody makes them and the beautiful system we all have here goes to hell in a hand-basket. So Steve-O I need you to correct that mistake. Speak with Hector on the way out. Oh, and you might want to speak with Lindsey about what can happen if there are too many mistakes in the business. Steve, sweating profusely, says, Yes, Highness, I understand. Donald offers him his hand. Steve kisses it and leaves. – Thursday, January 9, 2020