CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, January 3, 2019)
Sarah, wearing a short maid’s outfit with leather trim, enters the small personal office next to the Oval carrying a tray of chicken tenders and a strawberry milkshake. Donald glances up from the teevee. He says, Face the wall and put it on the floor. No knee bends! Sarah turns away and puts the tray on the floor as Donald watches closely. Donald says, Excellent! Sarahcita, you have been a great comfort to me in this time of woe for our country. No president has faced such nasty opposition. They’d go after George Washington and John Taylor and other Republicans, but nothing like they go after Trump. Sarah says, Yes, Sir. May it please, Sir, would you like me to remove these other trays? Something is moving in the corner over there. Donald ignores the gnawing and rustling and says, I am alone here, you know that, Sarahcita. Melania doesn’t understand me. She just doesn’t understand. I really don’t think she cares. Do you? Sarah starts to say something, but Donald continues. He says, No one visits except for Lindsey and he doesn’t like the shows I like and he doesn’t want to watch the rallies. Have you seen Louisville, by the way? I watched it yesterday with Stevie. I like Stevie, he’s a good man, a good man, but he has no self control and makes jokes that really aren’t funny, you know what I mean, and he doesn’t get really funny jokes. Like I told him, we were watching, I think, the Mercerville rally, and I told him the one about the Mexican tank, you stop it by shooting the people pushing it, and he didn’t laugh at all. He says we’ll be ready for them. A complete idiot. No. He means well, but he just doesn’t get it. So here I am all alone. Sarah says, Not everyone has the brains to grasp your jokes. Donald says, True. True. So very true. Many people told me I was the greatest standup they’ve ever seen. The Russians, and that guy in the ski resort in the Poconos, they don’t get it. But the Russians, you’re talking the weight of history, that’s what I call it, the weight of history. I was explaining a lot of that earlier today to the morons in the Fake News™. Like Russia used to be the Soviet Union. That’s what I had to tell them. A lot of people don’t know that. Who would have thought – that’s what they said – who would have thought? Mattis and the other idiot generals I fired used to say the same thing and I had to tell them we’re gonna get some good looking generals in here, Tom Cruise generals, stand em up next to the machine guns, out there on the lawn. Lawn junkeys. But they’re generals. We can put em in blackface like they do in Philadelphia, which the Russians don’t get at all. They don’t get blackface. They think it’s like a disguise. You know, the reason Russia was in Afghanistan was because terrorists were going into Russia. They were right to be there. The problem is, it was a tough fight. And literally they went bankrupt; they went into being called Russia again, as opposed to the Soviet Union, which was a name a lot of people didn’t like. Dumb branding. You know, a lot of these places you’re reading about now are no longer part of Russia, because of Afghanistan. Berzerkistan, Belugastand, Qasha, you know. Which was once the Soviets, as I was saying. Pick up that tray again, Sarahcita, and get me another milkshake, a black cow, this time, because I really like the way they taste and I like the way you make em, and I want you to keep making my milkshakes as long as I’m alone.