CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, December 27, 2018)
Nancy, says Chuck, is that you? Nancy says, What? Who is this? Chuck says, It’s Chuck. Chuck. Nancy says, Who? You’re breaking up. Let me go outside. Chuck says, It’s Chuck. Nancy says, Okay, there. Can you repeat that? Lousy cell service in the house, and all the kids. Chuck says, It’s Chuck. Nancy says, Chuck? Oh! Chuck says, How’s your holiday? Nancy says, Fine. Chuck says, I think we need to try and reopen the government first thing. Nancy says, Ye, we should introduce legislation right away next week. Put him on the spot. The algorithm I’ve worked out says we can maintain a 73.62 percent majority in the House, depending on the wording of the re-start bill. Chuck says, We need to throw him a bone. Nancy says, We’ve thrown many bones in recent months, 272 to be precise. The math says, No more bones for the president. The math says, send him to the doghouse, Chuck, you know, like you used to do at Madison High. Chuck says, What does the math say about the wall? Nancy says, The math is clear: No wall. Chuck says, Now hold on. What if we proposed one. Nancy says, He doesn’t even want a wall. He wants to kick sand in your face, just like they used to do at Jones Beach. A show off. Chuck says, What if we propose a ridiculous wall? Nancy says, What could be more ridiculous than steel slats with pointy tips? Kind of a picket fence courtesy of U.S. Steel, made in Košice. First of all, the fact that he says, We’re going to build a wall with cement, and Mexico’s going to pay for it while he’s already backed off of the cement – now he’s down to, I think, a beaded curtain or something, I’m not sure where he is. Chuck says, Brilliant! Look, I was just down in Chinatown and I found some great beaded curtains for $8.99. And listen – they’re made in Brooklyn! Do they want a wall made in Košice? Or do they want a wall made in the US of A at a fraction of the cost? Nancy says, That is a heckuva idea Chuck. Forged and beaded in the great USA. Maybe Mexico might chip in 50 bucks. Chuck says, They might even offer Tarot Card readings on their side. Nancy says, It would probably reverse the migration flow over night. I think this is a winner Chuck. Chuck says, I’ll have staff refine it and get back to you.
— Thursday, Dec. 27, 2018