CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, April 2, 2020)
WASHINGTON – George is watching vintage reruns of The Outer Limits on the muted teevee while Kellyanne sits at her vanity. A man with a lizard head flits across the screen and attacks a bosomy blond while she screams. Kellyanne says, I don’t know how you can watch that trash, George. George grunts. He says, They had a great episode where somebody stole Lincoln’s body after he was dead and then returned him to the White House. Kellyanne says, Honey, that’s just silly. Can you find my eyeballs? I can’t see a thing. George says, Just a second. They’re opening Lincoln’s tomb. I can tell you right now, Lincoln won’t be there. He’s back at the White House, but he’s sick. Kellyanne says, I think they’re in the cup in the bathroom. George pauses the teevee and retrieves Kellyanne’s eyeballs. She pops them in Whoo! says Kellyanne, much better. Now turn that off. You could be a little helpful. The president is trying to save the world and all you can do is lie on the chaise and watch old teevee shows. George says, It helps to cope. Kellyanne says, What’s that supposed to mean, Mr. Big Fish in a Teeny Pond, Mr. Former Republican, Mr. Guy Refusing To See Greatness? George says, Nothing. The guy with the lizard head throws a dog off a balcony and then chases a group of coeds in shirtwaists. They seem to be screaming. George smiles. Kellyanne says, That’s so ridiculous. Fetch me my ears, Snoogles, they’re by the bed. George pauses the teevee and gets the ears for Kellyanne. She snaps them on and says, There, much better. She looks at George. You know, sweetie, she says, You might help out a little. The president’s task force has found the first groups of children in the tunnels. They’re starving, dehydrated. They’re filthy. The Comfort is in place, thanks to DJT. Yes, Mr. Smarty Pants, because of the president’s bold and fast action, we have found the Clinton Colonies of kidnapped children in their underground enclaves and we are returning them to daylight. The first groups are on the Comfort right now! I’m telling you this because you are such a Big Skeptic. George stares at Kellyanne and starts to say something. He stops. Kellyanne says, The phony and fake media, even as the president performs one of the greatest rescues in history, much greater than anything the Clinton Gang pulled off, even if you include the Benghazi ruse, is attacking this humble man for not allowing so-called coronavirus actors on board. George, George, stop watching the teevee! Wake up! The president has gathered up the ventilators for these poor, abused children. The tunnels and the underground corrals have very low levels of oxygen and most of these children have never even seen daylight. They don’t know what it is. Stop watching these ridiculous teevee shows and face reality! Or is it too difficult to see what’s right in front of your face? – Thursday April 2, 2020