CSI: American Carnage (Thursday, April 11, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Mike, Donald says, get over here, I got a job for you. Mike, head lowered, approaches. Donald says, See that weird scummy stuff? Clean it off the toe, okay, it’s gonna wreck my sock. Mike takes a handkerchief from his pocket, dips it in the Dr. Pepper, and cleans Donald’s toe. Mike says, Sweet Highness, I am blessed to be here, blessed to be in your presence, blessed to be able to embrace your word and deliver it to the world even as I bathe your foot with Dr. Pepper. But, majesty, I am troubled. Mother says I must consult our pastor once they return from Bora Bora, but I don’t think I can wait so long. Donald says, I’m not your scout master, you know that. Mike says, Sire, of course. But the problem is Mayor Pete. He’s attacking my faith. Donald says, So? You want to get rid of him? Mike says, Sire, We had a great working relationship, and he said some things that are critical of my Christian faith and about me personally, and he knows better, he knows me. Donald says, We’ll hang him, okay. Happy? Mike says, Bless you, Sire, bless you. As Mike backs out of the room, Donald says, You never even heard of this Julian Assange, okay. That’s his name, right? Mikey told me that’s his name. Assange, like orange with an ass. I never heard of him or the — what are they calling it? — his group of pissers? Mike turns red. He says, Wikileaks? Donald says, Sounds right. Mike continues backing out of the executive lounge. Donald says, Stevie, get Stoner on the phone. He damn well better have bleached those fucking hard drives and ditched the cells. Jesus fucking christ. What a bunch of bozos. But lemme tell ya right now before you open that door, I know nothing about Wikileaks. It’s not my thing. Stephen says, Absolutely. Nobody knows of the Wooki, he’s just a movie cartoon. Donald says, Fake News™. Treason. Cartoon. Fuck em all. Those are our talking points. And invasion. Bugs. Infestation. Disgrace. Vermin. Traitors. The Wall. Stephen nods and leaves Donald to his thoughts. — Thursday, April 11, 2019