CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, September 8, 2019)
ALPINE NJ — Sweetie, Kellyanne says, pass me the eyeballs, I think they’re in the play room. George is watching Firing Line reruns on mute, but he gets up from the chaise, pads into the playroom, and looks around. The eyeballs are in the track of the Turboscratcher cat toy. He scoops them up and brings them to Kellyanne to pop in. Click! She blinks. That’s better, says Kellyanne, looking at herself in the vanity mirror. George says, You’ve been falling apart ever since you signed on with that mad man. Kellyanne says, Oh sweetie, where’s your sense of humor? George says, Humor? He’s still on Alabama. Dorian has vanished. There’s rain in Nova Scotia. And he is still, still on Alabama. Kellyanne says, Luvey, that isn’t all he’s doing. Don’t forget he’s sticking it to the Taliban. Find me my nose, will you, babe. George says, It’s on the vanity. Kellyanne looks down, sees the nose and snaps it in. George says, Eighteen years. Kellyanne says, What pee-pee? I haven’t got my ears on. George says, 18 years we’ve been at war in Afghanistan. Kellyanne says, Everybody knows that, honey. George says, Does your boss remember? Kellyanne says, Of course he does, puss-ems. He knows perfectly well. He just didn’t know they were killing people there. When he found that out, he canceled their trip to Camp David. George says, Have you finished up with his new uniform? Kellyanne says, Oh pshaw! You are such a jokester. Pass me the teeth, will you sugarplum, they’re in the bathroom. George pulls himself up and fetches the teeth. Kellyanne says, Thank you sweetheart. George says, Fat Tommy the Reaper ought to have that uniform for your boss done by now, the one with all the gold braid and the hella epaulettes? Tommy is a great tailor to have on the team. Kellyanne says, He is. He did a wonderful bodice for you, my choo-choo bear. And you were adorable in his vegan leather waist cincher corset. So sexy! George says, Yeah, well, All I am saying is that the gold braid on the uniform is an important touch. There can’t be too much. He can never have too much gold braid. But it’s a tough situation. Very tough. Maybe the toughest because, as Rick points out, not only do you have to have lots of gold braid, but you have to leave plenty of room for the jangly medals. Kellyanne says, Medals? George says, Yeah. The one for the great heroism at the Battle of the Bowling Green, the Defense of Alabama Service Cross with Sharpie Cluster, the Distingquished Friends of Kim Fiery Cross, and his Purple Shart with Bone Spurs Device. Kellyanne says, Pussycat, Rick is so vulgar and you are such a bad boy. Pass me the boobs. – Sunday, September 8, 2019