CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, March 31, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Donald has just thrown himself into the recliner and reached for the bowl of guac when there is a knock at the door. Donald says, Come. Mike enters, eyes covered. He falls to the floor immediately, stares at the floor, and speaks. Oh Magnificence! Your brilliance shines so brightly that even the dim Dems shield their eyes. They are blinded by your glow. Sire, you have suffused our drab lives with a titianesque aureola, a wondrous phosphorescence that infuses our very souls with magic and the sublime! I bring greetings from Lou. Mike wiggles across the floor to the recliner, removes Donald’s slipper, and begins intense sucking on the fungal large toe of the left presidential foot. Donald says, Rise. Mike scrambles to his feet. Donald says, Make it snappy, pastor, I’ve got to review Grand Rapids on the teevee. Mike says, You were outstanding in Grand Rapids, Sire, you drove a stake through the heart of the Russia hoax, you smothered it in garlic, and you buried it with foreign soil, brought here legally from somewhere else. Donald says, Yeah, yeah. Okay. I’m kinda tired, Pope. Been up for three straight hours working on campaign stuff. Nobody does that. Nobody has the energy. What are you here for? Mike says, Highness, it’s ratings on the border. Lou says, You must ramp up on the border threats or risk losing audience share. Donald says, Lou is shrewd. Mike says, Lou points out that millions of Americans are about to die. Millions. Donald says, Death is good for ratings. But, on the other side, Lou has been very fine. Very strong on alien murders and psychics. Mike says, I have brought his latest policy analysis and recommendations for you. Mike passes his cell to Donald. Donald looks. Lou appears on the screen. Lou is stern. He peers out at Donald and says that closing the border is not enough. Lou says, If this is what we have come to, if the quality of people in leadership in DHS from the secretary of the department on down I mean — let’s you know, just literally put out welcome wagons. Pile ’em high because we’re just going to consign tens of thousands, perhaps millions of Americans to their deaths. DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen is flailing and her department appears utterly paralyzed under ineffectual leadership. She’s so desperate that she’s trying to raise, it seems, a posse of DHS employee volunteers to help secure the border, and the border patrol is responding to the border crisis by releasing illegal immigrants onto American streets. Are they also dumping deadly drugs at the same time? Of course they are! Sex traffickers too. They have wide-open access to the United States. The cartels frankly are winning. Congress is the problem, not the solution. Fire these incompetents and get a new department and a new congress that knows what to do in the face of rape, murder, invasion, pillaging, and so forth. — Sunday, March 31, 2019