CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, March 10, 2019)
OUTSIDE OF NOGALES, Ariz. — I’m sheriff hereabouts, says the sheriff, and I want to tell you we don’t cotton to outside agitators and illegal loitering migrants just waltzing into town. We run a clean ship here and that’s a fact. The Post guy says, Well sheriff, me ‘n’ ma pardner here, we just were out for a little stroll. He nods to the Times guy who says, Yeah. The Post guy hitches up his pants and curls his hat brim. He says, We know you’ve got a tough job sheriff. The sheriff squints into the distance and says, Damn straight. Anyhows, you can see we got this whole stretch of desert under control. The icing on the pudding is the wall the president just built. These suckers can’t scale it. They can’t burrow under it. They can’t firebomb it or blow it up. It’s the best damn wall anybody’s built around here in the last, probably ever. Plus we got the best goddamn survillors who got this border stretch under constant surveilling with the binoculars and the walking and the towers and pigeons. The Times guy looks out over the empty stretch of sand and dirt pocked with the occasional rosewood and cardon grande. He looks south. Not a bird in the sky. Nothing on the ground. He looks north through the shimmering heat waves. Nothing. Hey, says the Times guy, was that a bird? Did I see a bird? The sheriff says, No birds out here, pardner. You can’t get through the wall. And the steel mesh and the nets for catching the bodies. The Post guy says, Where’s that? The sheriff says, Right in front of ya. The Post guy looks in front of himself. He says, All I see is desert stretching as far as the eye can see. The sheriff chuckles. Ha ha ha. He says, That’s the beauty of it, tenderfoot. This here wall, it’s camouflaged. Hell’s bells, you don’t know it’s there until ya walk right into it. Then its teeth clap shut and it sprays you with dissolver. End of story. The Times guy says, So this is part of the 115 mile stretch of wall the president says he ordered built right now. The sheriff says, Yup. The same. Real fast work, I’d say. The missus came to inspect it this morning. The Post guy says, Melania was here? The sheriff says, Yeah, you just missed her. The Post guy says, But I thought he was in Florida and she was too and then back to Washington. The sheriff says, Nope. She was right here. Had her kid in tow, all guarded by a security detail, guys with mustaches and robes. They said it was the way to dress in the heat. Me, I like pants. She sure is short, I gotta say. But she loved the wall. She said it is jamila, whoever that is. The Times guy says, Thanks sheriff. The two friends walk away. The Times guy says, Must be the body double. Jamila is Arabic. The Post guy says, Yeah. But what’s with this security detail. The Times guy says, MSB? The Post guy says, I don’t know. This sheriff’s kind of kooky. They look back. The sheriff is leaning up against thin air, rolling a cigarette and resting his boot on something that isn’t there.
— Sunday, March 10, 2019