CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, January 6, 2019)
Donald throws himself on the lounger, flips on the Magic Fingers, and grabs the remote. Kelly! Kelly! he shouts. There is no answer. Goddamit! Donald grouses. It is late and the Executive Lounge is quiet but for some rustling on the floor in the kitchen area. There is a knock. Donald says, Come. Stephen walks in with a crumpled paper in his hand and says, We are putting together the final wording on the order. Donald says, Lemme see it and get me some of those nachos on the counter. And the guac. Should be in the fridge on the right. Stephen fetches the chips and dip and settles onto the settee. Donald says, Read this thing to me, okay, I’m eating. Stephen takes the paper, smoothes it out on the coffee table, and reads: The vicious invasions on the southern border, which by the way extends along the entire southern border, have reached crisis proportions, it is really bad, with armed paramilitary forces joined by members of the regular Cuban and Venezuelan armies, and possibly Germany and Iran, leading advance forays from Agua Prieta to Piedras Negras and elsewhere in Louisiana and Missouri. By the authority invested in me as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, I am directing the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to erect a 40-foot Wall of Steel along the entire length of the border and to the east and west and north and south, all directions. This wall will be fronted by a great trench into which the corps will divert the Rio Grande river and parts of the Colorado and Mississippi Rivers. This beautiful recreational area will open up vast areas of the country to new opportunities for enterprising entrepreneurs, who have valid real estate licenses, or similar licenses, and also easily protect our Great country from these savage attacks. We will not rest until we have stopped the foe and protected our Beautiful country from this terrible threat. May god bless the United States of America. Donald listens intently. He says, Okay. What about the drug dealers and criminals? Work them in, okay. And the terrorists. Why not say we will stop the foe and the flow? It sounds more nice. Also why only bless the US of A? Everybody blesses the US of A. It should read may god bless the United States of America and its resolving leader, president Donald J. Trump. Stephen says, Absolutely. Absolutely. But you’re going to be reading this on the teevee, and I thought you may not want to demand blessings for yourself. Donald says, Why? Stephen is silent. Donald says, Work on it some more. We are going to have a tremendous invasion which we are going to stop beautifully. You should also add in that only drug dealers, human traffickers, and criminals oppose the wall so any opposition will be treated as criminal and the perpetrators will be arrested and charged and sentenced to some very nasty places. Stephen says, Absolutely. It’s unbelievable that anyone would think they could comfort the enemy like that. It’s absolutely a crime, a vicious crime. Donald says, It’s Sunday, or it will be at some point. Give Kellyanne the lowdown and send her out to meet the Fake News™.