CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, February 17, 2019)
WASHINGTON — There is a knock on the door of the executive lounge. Come, says Donald, as he rummages through the side table’s oily papers, old napkins, half-full paper cups, and scattered plates. He pushes aside a few golf balls, the remnants of a Famous Bowl from the night before, or the night before that, a pack of cards, a couple of spent candles, a few extra-tall tees, several batteries, some leaking, used tissues, small packets of “sugar,” a broken lamp with a torn shade, another lamp, with no shade, three teevee remotes, an old Playboy, an even older Gent, a pencil with a broken point, a notebook with scribbles on the first page, a handful of spoons, two blue pens and a sharpie, a photograph of Donald smiling and signed by Donald, four plastic straws, some white and pink pills, an old roll of Tums, and a can of deviled ham, unopened. Donald shouts Kelly! Kelly! Where the fuck? Kelly! Mike enters the room and immediately drops to the floor, pulling himself toward Donald in the recliner. Sire, sire, it is glorious to see you at last. Mike crawls up to Donald’s right foot. The slipper has dropped off and Mike begins kissing the toes, particularly the outsized big toe with its yellowed nail. Donald says, Where the fuck is Kelly? I had him right here. Mike, averting his eyes, says, Your holiness, you have dispatched Kelly as unworthy. Donald pauses. He says, Right. The worm is so miniscule, I forgot that we ditched him. No matter. Rise. Mike scrambles to his feet. Your majesty, he says, I bring greetings from the assembled lords of the European client states. The German and English wenches, the French pretender, and the rest of them. I addressed them and received enthusiastic, even wild responses in Munich and in Warsaw. Donald says, Don’t eat that sausage in Warsaw, I’m telling you. Mike says, Of course not, excellency. The lesser leaders are eager, sire, eager to step forward and join us as we lead the world away from the disaster of the Iran nuclear deal. Donald says, Yeah, they know that we are not going to let them get away from fleecing us nomore. With fleecing. From. What did you tell these clowns? Mike says, Your magnificence, I told them that the Iranian regime openly advocates another Holocaust and it seeks the means to achieve it and that the time has come to withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal and to join with us as we bring the economic and diplomatic pressure necessary to give the Iranian people, the region, and the world, the peace security, and freedom they deserve. The leaders began cheering. They chanted USA, USA, as you predicted. Then I brought it home to compete your vision. I told them it is time for the rest of the world to step forward. Once more the old world can take a stand in support of freedom in the new world. And I called on the so-called European Union to step forward for freedom and recognize Juan Guaido as the only legitimate president of Venezuela. Sire, they began shouting enthusiastically. There were vermin from the press in attendance. The German wench attacked them with her handbag. It was a triumphant moment, sire, as you so miraculously predicted, continuing your string of miraculous predictions that have left the world in awe. Mother, who is with our pastor as we speak, in Baden-Baden, thanks you so very deeply. Our pastor mentioned our lord and savior, which is what is expected from a pastor. But he saved his greatest hosannas for you, sire, for you. Donald says, Of course he did. Look, I need you to get over to the Pentagon, okay. They need a little persuasion. I gotta get back to Mar. This place is killing me. You can’t find anything, you can’t trust nobody, and there’s no place to get a decent crispy riser with a two-pack. Mike drops to the floor. He says, Yes, sire, yes. Anything.
— Sunday, Feb. 17, 2019