CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, December 9, 2018)
Stephen grabs a couple of cokes from the Executive Lounge fridge and brings them over to Donald. Donald says, You having anything? Stephen says, I’m not thirsty. Donald says, Have some chips. Bring em over from the kitchen, or ask Kelly. Kelly! Kelly! Goddammit! The guy is useless. You know how long he’s been cleaning the toilet? Kelly! Kelly emerges from the bathroom in his yellow slicker and galoshes. He has a mop in one hand, a plunger in the other. Donald says, Kelly! Get us some chips, dammit. And dip. But not the French onion – that’ll probably blow up in our faces. Do the Ranch. Kelly silently puts down his mop and plunger, removes his yellow hat, takes off his slicker, and steps from his galoshes. Donald says, Make it snappy, okay, we’re trying to watch the October rally in some Tennessee shithole. Stephen says, Johnson City. Donald says, Yeah. I told them the Dems were the party of crime and would turn the country into chaos. Kay-fucking-Oss. Kelly brings over an old bowl of chips and a bottle of ranch salad dressing and places them on Donald’s teevee table. Donald says, Okay, you can get out of here now. Finish the fucking bathroom, for krissakes. Donald’s cell rings, giving off its distinctive Kiss ringtone. Donald tightens his wrapper and says to Stephen, That was Epstein’s favorite bang-bang tune. But it is not Epstein on the phone. It is Rudy. Donald says, Rudy, we’re working here. What the hell is it? I’ve got you on speaker. What’s his face is here for a briefing. Rudy says, We’re doing great. Mueller’s in a corner. He’s got to put up or shut up. All they’ve got are insults and process shit. When you look at what’s revealed today, there’s nothing that links you to collusion with the Russians, so maybe they should fold up their tent, give a report to the Justice Department and go home. Donald says, They don’t got shit. Paulie’s kept his mouth shut. Your job is to make sure he keeps it shut. You know who to call if you need more dough. If that little birdie starts to sing, shut him up, okay, night-night time, because the guy just lies. He can’t help himself. He lies about everything. The sun come up? No. It’s noon. And he says, no. He doesn’t know shit anyway. Rudy says, He knows enough to devastate. He knows enough to make things difficult with my texts, which twitter and facebook are hacking all the time, and Podesta too, probably. And when he embellishes, it’s gonna come out….. Donald breaks in. He says, It’s gonna sound like Trump owns Russia. I fucking wish. Look this is the way to deal with it, okay? You keep your fucking mouth shut, Okay. I’ll tell em that, on the Mueller situation, we’re very happy with what we are reading because there was no collusion whatsoever. There never has been. The last thing we wanted is help from Russia on a campaign. That’s what what I’ll say, okay. And then I’ll throw it back at the assholes: Like, you should ask Hillary Clinton about Russia, because she financed the fake dossier, which I understand they tried to get some information and help from Russia. But you ought to ask them about that. Hillary, in fact, many say, colluded with the Russians to lose, she should have won, and she lost, colluded, you understand, and because, and she could then turn around and point the finger on Trump. Very one-sided situation. But i think it’s all turning around very nicely. But as far as the report that we see — according to everybody I’ve spoken to, I have not read it — there’s absolutely no collusion, which is very important. I gotta go, Rudy, we’re working on the people’s business here, the people. Donald hangs up. Fucking Rudy. Kelly! he shouts. Where the fuck did you put the fucking remote? You are such a looser. I can’t wait till you’re the fuck out of here.
— Sunday, Dec. 9, 2018