CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, December 30, 2018)
The Times guy and the Post guy are sitting in Langan’s having a couple as 2018 winds down. The Times guy says. Man, what a year. I’ll see your “Why are all these people from shithole countries coming here” and raise you one “I am the least racist person you ever interviewed.” The Post guy says, Nice. I’ll see you and raise you one “what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not happening.” The Times guy studies the inside of his brain. He says, Okay, see you, and raise with “Democrats want to give the illegals a driver’s license. Next thing you know, they’ll to want to buy ’em a car. Then they’ll say the car’s not good enough, we want — how about a Rolls-Royce? Give us — we want a Rolls-Royce.” The Post guy says, Good one. Good one. But is it good enough? I see it and raise with “We’re the only country in the world where a person comes in and has a baby, and the baby is essentially a citizen of the United States for 85 years, with all of those benefits. It’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous. And it has to end.” The Times guy says, Whoa! He ponders. He says, I’ll see that and come out of left field with “nobody’s done more for Christians or evangelicals or frankly religion than I have.” Hey, says the Post guy. I thought we were sticking to the illegals! They’re rioting now in California over Sanctuary Cities! The Times guy says, No, no. Remember we didn’t want to restrict. No restrictions! The Post guy says, That’s not the rule but okay, okay. So I’m gonna top you with “If you buy, you know, a box of cereal, if you do anything, you have a voter ID. The only thing you don’t is if you’re a voter of the United States.” The Times guy says, I’d forgotten the voter ID for a box of cereal but not to vote. Nice. How about a lightning round on climate change? Winner take all. The Post guy says, Go! The Times guy says, Uhh, “I know President Obama said global warming is our biggest problem and I would say that no, it’s nuclear warming is our biggest problem by a factor of about five million.” The Post guy says, “There is no reason for these massive, deadly and costly forest fires in California except that forest management is so poor.” The Times guy says, “Right now we’re at the cleanest we’ve ever been and that’s very important to me. But if we’re clean, but every other place on Earth is dirty, that’s not so good. So I want clean air, I want clean water, very important.” The Post guy comes back with, “You gotta take care of the floors. You know the floors of the forest, very important. I was with the President of Finland and he said: ‘We have, much different, we are a forest nation.’ He called it a forest nation. And they spend a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things, and they don’t have any problem.” The Times guy says, “Brutal and Extended Cold Blast could shatter ALL RECORDS – Whatever happened to Global Warming?” The Post guy says, I think you win, but I want to see you and agree and finish off with “Any deaths of children or others at the Border are strictly the fault of the Democrats and their pathetic immigration policies that allow people to make the long trek thinking they can enter our country illegally. They can’t. If we had a Wall, they wouldn’t even try!” They both slump back in their chairs as the darkness gathers within and without Langan’s.
— Sunday, Dec. 30, 2018