CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, December 15, 2019)
WASHINGTON – Donald is in the small conference room off the Oval talking with Jeff. Jeff looks slightly uncomfortable, as though he is sitting on Rudy’s cigar. Donald says, Jeff, Jeff, Im telling you it is great to see you, great. How’s the wife, Renato? She makes pizza, right? Great. Jeff says, Ricarda. Donald says, Yeah. Jeff says, She’s a homemaker. Donald says, Do you still do the teeth? Because, you know, I know a lot of guys in Jersey with bad teeth. I’ll recommend them, okay. Their teeth are rotting and they smell, which I don’t like and I know you don’t like, as you know. Jeff says, No, I got out of the practice. Donald says, Yeah, it’s tough, tough with the teeth, but they say everybody’s got teeth, until they lose them, and that’s where you come in, Jeff. Jeff says, I don’t practice any more. Donald says, Good, good. Practice is where they get the photos with the long zoom lenses. Can cause a lot of trouble, a lot. Jeff, here’s why I wanted to see you, and it’s great you could stop by because I always found you to be very smart. Jeff says, Thank you. Donald says, You’re on the right side of this impeachment scam. It’s a hoax, Jeff, a hoax, and it’s tearing the country a part, ripping it in two. Now I look at your district, they say you won as a Dem in a Trump district, I don’t know how that happened, probably Reince fucked up, but that’s my problem, not yours, so, they tell me you won the general. In a Trump district! Jeff says, Well, I’m with the people, you know, and they recognized my honesty and integrity. Donald says, Yeah. A man of the people. Now I’m looking at some numbers the guys just gave me. These are poll numbers, Jeff. Hot out of your district. Let’s see here. Donald scans the page of numbers. He says, Yeah. 60 percent of your district wants another Dem to run. Donald shakes his head, sadly. Hmm, he says, says here only 20 percent or so think you should be re-elected. That’s Dems, Jeff, Dems. You got 20 percent of your own party. They gonna primary you, Jeff. I hear they got a stable ready to take you down and these numbers, Jeff, these numbers are not good. Jeff says, Well it’s a tough district. Donald puts the paper on the table between them, and says, Switch parties, Jeff. It’s your only hope. Switch parties and, presto!, you’re in. Plus, and listen to this, you’ll get the benefit of our special campaign package, it includes free limited use of Don Jr., Ivanka behind a door, ready to pop out at a rally of your choosing, and, speaking of rallies, you get one Jeff, complete with Donald J. Trump, big limos, lots of red hats, a percentage of the gate and of memorabilium sales, hats, tee shirts, swizzlers, mugs, banners, printed pictures, you name it. And if that isn’t enough, we’ll throw in some free data analysis, a trial membership in POTUS Shield and Opus Dai, and a series of prerecorded speeches from Americas favorite attorney general, our very own Bill Barr. For a limited time only, Jeff, and this is not offered to everybody, we are passing out tail-gate special Trump steaks! All of this can be yours. But of course, follow your conscience or whatever into oblivion if you want. Jeff says, Monday. – Sunday, December 15, 2019