CSI: American Carnage (Sunday, April 5, 2020)
BREAKING!
Reporters and staff members of CSI: American Carnage, fanning out across the country to report on the impact of the burgeoning coronavirus pandemic, have been seized at gunpoint, force marched, and held in packed facilities by local authorities seeking to maintain some semblance of normality in the midst of death and destruction caused by the disease. In South Dakota, one female staff member was accosted on the street in Rapid City by members of the governor’s security staff and ordered to head into Sickies Garage where she was forced, along with hundreds of others, to eat an entire wild hog burger and fries. Others had to eat a whole plate of fried green beans swimming in avocado ranch dressing. Another staff member, a male, was seized by the roadside along I-90, blind-folded, and taken to the Mitchell Corn Palace, where he was chained to some 80 bewildered tourists in front of a massive yellow building featuring onion domes, minarets, and 10-foot crudely painted murals of corn cobs. Similar incidents in Nebraska, North Dakota, South Carolina, Iowa, Missouri, and Alabama have been reported in the past week – prompting the CSI: American Carnage I-Team to launch an unusual field investigation. Gov. Kim Richards of Iowa has dismissed the reports. “They are trying to weaponize daily life,” she said. CSI I-Team investigators showed her early accounts and asked for a response. Gov. Richards said the accounts don’t contain “all the information.” South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, speaking from her bunker in Pierre, said the reports were “un-American” and that the needs of “the decent businesses of our great state” necessitated the full support of her office. “The people themselves are primarily responsible for their safety,” the governor said. “And don’t forget that our beloved U.S. Constitution, which has upheld the rights of private businesses for centuries, not to mention our State Constitution, which seeks to foster commerce, “prevent us from taking draconian measures much like the Chinese government has done.” Asked about the rights of travelers in her state, or private citizens, the governor said, “You’ve had your question.” — Sunday, April 5, 2020
This is a developing story. Check back for updates. — The Editors