CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, November 30, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Donald is flat on his back in the Executive Lounge recliner talking with Louie on speaker. Louie is right outside the door, but, per security protocol, Louie is barred from entering until Hector’s charging is complete and the vetting process has all the tees jotted. Donald says, We’re gonna bring em home, Louie. You need em in Texas. We’re fighting a campaign against leftists, socialists, and globalists. The radical Democrats want to destroy America as we know it. These guys have their way you’re not gonna have guns, no religion, no oil, no natural gas. How you gonna cook without the oil? We gotta bring em back from Afghanistan, because, Louie, Abraham Lincoln could not win Texas under these circumstances. You know Abe. Honest Abe they call him. Abe. Louie stands right in front of the closed door, shouting at it. He says, They want it to be a one-sided, non-due process. They want to push this country to a civil war if they were to get their wishes, and if there was one thing I don’t want to see in my lifetime, I don’t want to ever have participation in, it’s a civil war. I’m not gonna have a civil war. Maybe a battle. Maybe an air strike. Maybe a police action. But thank god you’ve been chosen to lead the country with your great leadership and I wanna say that some historian — I don’t remember who — said, Guns are only involved in the last phase of a civil war, the shooting, when they push you to the edge and that’s when you need the great leadership more than before because it’s a long way down. You’re protecting the Constitution and the institutions and this little experiment in self-government. They are putting it all at risk. So bring em home and put em in the streets and save Texas and the rest of us, Alabama, Arkansas, and so forth. Donald says, Honest Abe, even the one they call Honest Abe, from the shack where they made the syrup, Honest Abe could not do it because, his numbers didn’t cut it, Louie. His numbers are nowhere near my numbers. With 53 percent more Republicans supporting me, only I can save the country and Texas and the other places. You can’t follow Abe and win Louie, no way, just no way. Louie says, We are behind you. Donald says, They say George Washington was a great leader. General George. Never cut down a cherry tree. Never did it. But he said he did. Never threw a dollar into the river, though he said he did. Nobody could trust him, Louie. He’s not gonna help you in Texas. Louie says, We want you. We don’t want Black Abe, that’s what we call him in Tyler. Black Abe. The blacks don’t call him that. There are a lot of blacks, mostly leftovers from back in the day. They call everybody a Kluxer. We haven’t had a Kluxer running Texas in years. Donald says, All lies, Louie, all lies. But the lies are gonna end, guarantee it. Donald says, Louie, we are presidential. More presidential than Abe, Honest Abe Lincoln, even when he is wearing the hat, and that’s tough, that’s tough, that’s a tough one to beat. But when you’re being presidential and you got everyone on your side, you can do it. — Saturday, November 30, 2019