CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, November 23, 2019)
WASHINGTON – I know what the American people want, Donald says, looking down from the height of the Executive Lounge recliner. Mike wipes his chin and gets up off the floor. He says, Oh Sire of course you do! No one has a more finely tuned sense of American needs than you do. Donald says, Nikki does both toes, you know. True, she doesn’t do the gag stuff, but she does both toes. Mike says, She does both toes at once, Highness? Donald says, Both. She takes the big toe and doesn’t even wipe the green stuff off. She just takes the whole thing, takes it in her mouth. Mike says, That’s what I’ve always done, Sire. I take your toes and perform the entire ritual. Donald says, What’s with Drudge? Mike says, What do you mean, Magnificence? Drudge is focusing on your charm. He’s downplaying the importance of a defense. Drudge argues, and our polling tests it out, Sire, that it makes no difference if anybody defends you. In fact, according to the Q results, the more you are attacked, the more pathetic your argument, the better it is. The Base loves your amplitude, Sire, your full-bodied scrappiness. Your exreme vibrations. Much milk is spilled when you have their attention, Sire, no matter the reason. Mother tells me that our pastor is most appealing when he is whining and pleading. I believe, Most High, and I say this from the bottom, that your base loves you the most when you are being beaten. Donald says, What? What are you saying, you moron! Mike says, Not literally being beaten, figuratively. Donald pushes some plates and old bags aside and finds a candy apple left over from the Witching hour the evening before. Donald growls and begins licking the caramel off the uneaten portion. He says, Drudge is saying they’re gonna impeach. They are going to impeach me! That is the bullshit Drudge is pushing. Mike says, Well, Drudge points out that they’ve only got enough evidence for three or four articles. Donald roars, Damnit! This is terrible! Mike says, Sire, Sire. It is all part of the plan, remember. We have the number of watchers and the ratings in for Thursday’s show, which, like all the shows, stars you sire, you alone. Donald says, What were the numbers? Thursday saw about 11 million and change tune in. That, Sire, is huge! Huge! Donald says, Well I have a large fanbase, that’s true. I had over 20 million tuning into The Apprentice. 20-30 million, several times a day. Sometimes 50. It was the greatest show in the history of television until Zucker fucked it up. But, you know, I’m a nice guy. I don’t hold it against him. In fact, I throw him a ratings fucking bonanza. Mike waits patiently. Donald says, A bonanza. Okay he fucked me, but I’m gonna make his network great again. Because, Mike, I am a nice fucking guy. Do the other toe, willya, I feel something crawling on my foot. – Saturday, November 23, 2019