CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, November 17, 2018)
Washington. Kellyanne is removing her face as she sits in front of her vanity. George is hunched on a divan near the bed watching old Gunsmoke reruns with the sound off. Kellyanne says, It’s not a shit show, sweetheart. George says, Gunsmoke? No. Oh. The other one? The White House? Yeah, sweetheart, it is. Actually it is. Kellyanne says, There is no such thing. It’s like on teevee. Stuff is being done. Sure mistakes are made. George says, It’s more than mistakes, sweetheart. It’s like the administration is like a shit show in a dumpster fire, and I’m like, I don’t want to do that. Kellyanne removes her nose and places it in its special cloisonné enamel dish. She says, I don’t want to hear that kind of talk, sweetheart. You know that there have been efforts to undermine us before we even started. What about Hillary? What about the hookers? What about CNN? What about the football players? What about the foreigners? They are all out there sniping. You don’t have to join in the chorus. Think of Paula. What would she say? You should have come on board. I told you so. George says, You remember, sweetheart, I considered. But you got the Comey firing, and then you got Trump going on TV saying, I had Russia on my mind, and it’s like, Oh, no! And then I’m driving home one day from New York, and it’s like Robert Mueller appointed special counsel, and then I realized, this guy is going to be at war with the Justice Department. Kellyanne removes her ears and puts them in their special champlevé case. She says, Sweetheart, remember when you got me my ear case? George says, Sure do, sweetheart. You did amazing work. You basically got the guy elected. You steadied that boat. Of course I’d get you a special ear case. Kellyanne removes her hair and places it over the wooden dummy head next to the vanity. She says, You don’t have to say it’s a personality cult. It’s not. A personality cult is like Mao. Trump isn’t Mao. Not even close. George says, Ok, sweetheart. He probably doesn’t know who Mao is. Kellyanne says, Of course he does. The president swims with the fishes, just like Mao does. George says, Sweet Jesus. Sweetheart, I don’t feel comfortable being a Republican anymore. We’re talking about someone who has sworn an oath to uphold the constitution and laws of the United States, and to criticize the attorney general for permitting justice to be done without regard to political party is very disturbing. Kellyanne says, Mao says. She strips off her eyebrows and removes her chin. She says, I think you’ve gone too far. We needed someone to take charge. You always said the nation needs someone to take charge, and now you say you don’t want someone taking charge. Mr. Kellyanne Conway, you’re forgetting how big a mess this country was in. You’re forgetting the gridlock and the judges. The criminal healthcare. The debt. The aliens. All of these things that we are finally addressing. Kellyanne removes her eyeballs and plops them in her special eyeball decanter. She says, You did vote for him. George says, If faced with the choice again, I’d probably move to Australia. Kellyanne says, I’ve got my eyes out sweetheart, can you help me find the bed? George says, Mr. Kellyanne Conway at your service.
— Saturday, Nov. 17, 2018