CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, March 9, 2019)
CALEXICO, Calif. — The Professor and Boris, genial triple agent, have been wrestled to the floor of a greasy spoon along the southern border. Little Timmy, pup reporter, and Sarah, his friend from the resistance potluck, have been ripped away from the strike force by uniformed members of a shadowy government paramilitary unit. Customers eating pancakes and drinking coffee stare at the chaotic scene. Some try to leave but are stopped by the leader of the paramilitary squad. He says, Listen up. Nobody leaves until they are cleared by the Homeland Advanced Recognition Technology (HART). You there. He points to an elderly white-haired woman in lime-green slacks and a red cap. She puts her cup of coffee down. Me? she says. The leader says, Yeah. Come over here, stand three feet away from me and stare at this black box on my chest. The woman gets up, walks over, and stares. The black box whirs. The leader looks at the screen and says, You’re okay, 72 percent Anglo, 33 percent Houston. You, he points at Boris, you with the funny accent. Get up and stand in front of me. Boris stands up and moves in front of the leader. He says, What ees thees? What are you doink? The box whirs. The leader looks at the screen. He instantly crouches down and raises his M16. He shouts, Max, Gerry, we got a live one! Over here. Move! Move! Move! Several members of the squad surround Boris and immobilize him. The leader reads from the black box screen, 88 percent Mexico, Guadalajara, 11 percent Guatemala, Las Majadas, 37 percent Islamic State, 32 percent Iran, Tehran. Ok buddy. You think you can sneak into the United States of America and sew destruction and mayhem? How many women you duck tape today? You know, like the president says, Mothers who love their daughters give them massive amounts of birth control pills, because they know their daughters are going to be raped on the way up to our southern border. That’s people like you. You rape and pillage and then you get your orders from the mullahs and you head out to bomb and kill. We’re on to you. We know what you’re doing. But this is a new day. We’re done with the losing. The Professor says, You must be mad. This man has never been in Mexico in his life. We are in the United States of America. The leader says, You’re next. Bring him over, Pete. Pete grabs the professor and shoves him in front of the black box. Whir. Click. The leader says, Alright, guys, listen up. We got another one here. I thought these people were sketchy. This one is 55 percent Brazil, Rio, 45 percent Venezuela, Caracas, and get this 67 percent Columbia, Macondo. You think you can bring your communism and your socialism and your do-rightism into the United States of America? The Professor says, You idiot! I was born in Winesburg, Ohio! I was a reporter there as young man. The leader says, Spreading Fake News™? Those days are over. We don’t have you on our reporters watch list, but our little HART face recognition field kit can’t be fooled. The boys at Northrop Grumman will be excited to hear this. Take em away guys. Jumbo’s bus may be back by now, unless he got, uh, delayed.
— Saturday, March 9, 2019