CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, January 18, 2020)
WASHINGTON – Donald is slumped on the recliner in the Executive Lounge. Something is dripping off the edge of the side table, and scuttling can be heard from beyond the fridge, now a designated debris-retention area that Hector has marked off with yellow hazard tape. The teevee shows a fuzzy waste of snow. There is a knock. Come! Donald says. The door opens. Sire! Mike says, wiggling on his belly into the room. You are magnificent as always! Donald scowls at him and holds out a slippered foot. Mike wiggles over and clamps down hard on the right big toe, which is bursting with greenish pustules that have opened and reek of something deeply rotten. The ritual toe cleansing lasts only a few minutes. Donald says, What do you want? Can’t you see I’m working? Mike says, O Magnificence! Prince Jared said you wished to see the spreadsheet of all involved with the Democrat Ukraine Hoax. Donald says, Yes. Mike says, I printed out the Excel file. It runs to several hundred pages. It seems that everyone is in the loop. May the bearers bring the spreadsheet in and approach your person? Donald says, Tell them to drop it by the door. Hector will fetch it. Mike says, Perfect, Excellency. Your vassal Barr also has a copy and has sent emails to the entire staff informing them that he has a list of all participants. Donald says, Good. They need to remember who has the goods here. Mike says, You are always many steps ahead of the slow-moving, do-nothing Democrat traitors, Highness. I also want to report to you that I have prepared your executive order on the right to prayer. Donald says, Yes. Yes. Give me a short summary. And get the fuck up off the floor. Who knows what’s down there. Mike scrambles to his feet. Yes, Sire. I’ve completed a rough draft of an order that will get to the heart of the discriminatory, anti-Christian Democrat agenda, and if we use it correctly, it can eliminate some specific problems. Donald says, Okay. Mike says, We call it The End of Persecution of Followers of Jesus Christ and Restoration of their Rights as Citizens in a Nation Under God. Donald says, Okay. We can tweak it. Something like The Putting Christians in the Driver’s Seat, or Restoring the Co-Pilot Act, something like that. Run it through Barr. He’s like a prety good phrase-maker. Not as good as me. But pretty good. Maybe Making God Great Again. Something. I don’t know. Go on. Mike says, The idea here is that public schools are preventing decent Christians from exercising their right to participate in ritual sacrifice. Most people haven’t really thought through the implications. They can get away with banning blood sacrifice now. It’ll be the end of capital punishment tomorrow. Next week they’ll want to open up the prisons. There’ll be millions upon millions of new Negro and Puerto Rican voters come October. Our legislation will restore and empower those who are unjustly prevented from engaging in ritual slaughter by those who blindly follow the Homosexual Agenda. It will bring this nation closer to the true god. And it will bind your base even tighter to your sacred leadership. Donald says, Ok. A fair trial and then we hang the gays? That’s what you want. I read it in the New Yorker. Maybe I said it in the New Yorker. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. But no sniffing around the Senate. This is a sensitive time. In fact, work with Barr. I’m very busy now. And this will be a nice piece of work to spring on the hoaxers after my complete exoneration. – Saturday, January 18, 2020