CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, February 8, 2020)
IMPORTANT NOTICE!
In the hope of solving one of the biggest mysteries of the Democratic election campaign so far, The Editors of CSI: American Carnage have launched the Find Elizabeth Warren Expedition. “We interviewed several producers at ABC news,” The Editors said, according to a press release. “They told us that Warren was last seen in and around Memphis and referred us to spokesmen for the Sanders and Biden campaigns. Mayor Pete, engaged in a hunt for voters of color, could not be reached for comment. A Sanders spokesman affirmed a long friendship between the Vermont and Massachusetts senators but said there is no information available regarding Warren’s whereabouts at this time. A Biden spokesman said the campaign would be holding a press conference later today. “If a tree falls in the forest,” the spokesman said, “and there is no one there to see it, does it really fall? Or is something else going on?” The spokesman declined to elaborate. Warren was last seen surging to the head of the race prior to the botched Iowa caucuses. Citing her “unelectability” and “strident” manner, media attention immediately turned to Mayor Pete, who crafted his message accordingly. A number of reports appeared in non-mainstream outlets that suggested Warren had begun dematerializing and eventually vanished from the race, The Editors said. She was nowhere to be found on the debate stage in Manchester NH Friday night. “We believe this is a major mystery and we urge those with any information to contact us at the CSI field headquarters or at a satellite location in the South Pacific.” “Rest assured, ” they added, “we intend to find Elizabeth Warren and return her to visibility.” – Saturday, February 8, 2020