CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, December 15, 2018)
Sweetheart, says Kellyanne, can you fetch me my eyeballs? George, watching Wanted: Dead or Alive on mute, gets up from the divan and scoops Kellyanne’s eyeballs from the glass and puts them in her hand. She screws them in, grimaces – “oww!” — unscrews them, and screws them back in. Kellyanne says, That’s better. George switches to Maverick. Kellyanne says, Honey, you have to keep off Twitter. The president is very upset that you’re undermining his message of unity and strength and common purpose. George grunts. Kellyanne snaps in her nose. She says, George, are you listening to me? George says, Sure. But the fact is, my love, given that Trump has repeatedly lied about the Daniels and McDougal payments—and given that he lies about virtually everything else, to the point that his own former personal lawyer described him as a “f****ing liar”— why should we take his word over that of federal prosecutors? Kellyanne, blinking, says, George, in April of 2018, Donald J. Trump, the president, and everybody else were told about the payments. Pass me my ears, will you. George opens Kellyanne’s cloisonné earbox and passes her ears to her. He says, The bad arguments being floated in Trump’s defense are emblematic of a deterioration in respect for the rule of law in this country. Kellyanne says, Is my nose over there? George rummages around on her vanity, finds the nose, and flips it to her. Kellyanne smooths down the Velcro and sets her nose in place. George says, He conspired with Cohen to make the payments because the evidence shows the payments were made, at least in part, for campaign purposes. Kellyanne says, No, no, no, hold on. You’re saying incontrovertible based on the testimony of people who are trying to get a better deal and a lighter sentence for themselves. Be fair here. Don’t call incontrovertible because you imbue credibility on individuals. The President said he never directed Cohen to break the law. George switches to I Love Lucy. He says, Trump’s put forward a very weak legal argument coupled with a dangerous one. Indeed, the campaign finance violations here are among the most important ever in the history of this nation — given the razor-thin win by Trump and the timing of the crimes, they very well may have swung a presidential election. Kellyanne says, No no no no. Wait a minute. Hold on. He said he didn’t know until the rest of them knew, which is when everybody else found out. Along with the president, like Geraldo’s tomb. Because nobody knew when it didn’t happen. You can’t say he knew. George says, He knew about it from its inception. He came up with the plan. Kellyanne says, Honey, pass me my heart. George picks up Kellyanne’s dripping heart from its cold box and passes it over to her. She pops it in, mops up the side table, and says, The tweeting is disrespectful, it’s a violation of basic decency, certainly, if not marital vows. But I didn’t say that, okay, so don’t repeat it, and if you do, attribute it to a person familiar with our relationship. George turns off the teevee and watches the blank screen. He says, Say what you want, but Lucy had a respect for the rule of law. Kellyanne says, You’re just saying that to go viral. Toss my brows over.
— Saturday, Dec. 15, 2018