CSI: American Carnage (Saturday, April 18, 2020)
Letter to the Editors
(The following communication arrived over the transom of the CSI: American Carnage office downtown. The Editors encourage all letters. – The Editors}
To: EDs, CSI
From: Unnamed (but credible—mostly) CSI undercover source
RE: Mad Cow Dossier
Caveat: Contains unverified allegations which, nonetheless, have the ring of truthiness
To the Editors: EDs, this is big. According to unsubstantiated rumors, Donald Trump cut funding for the World Health Organization due to a WHO/Deep State investigation into the causes and potential cures for Mad Cow disease. This long-neglected condition—virus? brain worm? atmospheric toxin?— results in logorrhea, the pathologically excessive spewing of often incoherent, repetitious speech and conspiracy theory. Word is, WHO pathologists are zeroing in on a cause and potential vaccine for a condition that, paradoxically, provokes its victims to pursue metaphorical self-immolation.
Not to put too fine a point on it, Mad Cow intoxication causes its victims to do whatever it takes to fuck themselves.
The syndrome manifests in various guises. The infected (colloquially known as “deplorables”) are susceptible to conspiracy theories [see “Pizzagate”], are believed to suffer from a strain of birtherism, and frequently display a pathologic obsession with the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.
On top of that, there appears to be a genetic predisposition to Pied-Piperism, the compulsive latching on to contrarian conspiracy theories, such as those espoused by Shiva Ayyadurai, who earned his Ph.D from MIT, claims to have invented email, and accuses the Deep State of staging the coronavirus outbreak to discredit Trump and prevent his re-election. [#FakeScience to create #FakeProblems, #FakeSolutions and #FakeHistory to drive us into slavery and fascism…It’s time these scumbags and parasites got some serious bitter medicine.”]
The point, EDs, is WHO scientists have been studying the Mad Cow effect for decades, laboring in the backroom shadows because—let’s face it – who really cares about the deterioration of the neural synapses of deplorables? There’s no cure, vaccine or treatment in sight, so who gives a shit? But just in case, better to cut the crap out of WHO funding.
Here’s the skinny, EDs, and the reason for slamming the WHO. These “deplorable” BOTs are willing foot soldiers—they are PROGRAMMABLE and highly valuable! Here’s what some people are saying the thinking is in the White House (nobody connected to the White House, but some people with pretty good imaginations.)
You want that asshole billionaire Bill Gates to shut the hell up about coronavirus testing? Cue the Seattle BOTS—everyone knows Gates [what a loser, leaving his money to charity] is looking to make another fortune on this virus. That woman in Michigan tightens up on quarantine restrictions? Queue the BOTS to liberate Michigan—and Minnesota, too. Fucking Sleepy Joe, Shifty Shifft and Nancy want voting by mail? Screw ‘em. Fauci? I’d fire him, but #FakeNEWs and the #FAILINGNEWYORKTIMES would shit their pants. I’ve shut him down for the moment and the BOTS will take care finishing off the little shrimp.
Anyway, EDs, this is what I’m hearing, from some people—a lot of people, most of them known as “they,” as in “they say.” The whole Post Office, WHO, Deep State thing—it’s all tied together. Solving this shit-show is up to the governors, and from what I hear, President Trump is doing his best to keep ‘em taking shit from the BOTs until the stock market comes up with beautiful, better than anything in history numbers, so he can stay in the White House.
By the way, most people—not all—deny there is a pee-pee tape that’s been tested for antibodies to COVID-19 or any STDs.
(Editor’s note: There is no evidence that videotape can be tested for antibodies. The author of this letter wishes to remain anonymous but is not formally employed by CSI, nor any of its limited partnerships, corporations, subsidiaries, affiliates,, or assigns.)