CSI: American Carnage (Nov. 13, 2020)
Doing the Math
WASHINGTON – At the head of the classroom, the elderly professor stands looking at his pupils, several aides and advisors and other officials from the White House. The professor says, Today, and we are very gratified to see so many here, it is never too late to brush up on fundamentals, today we are here to brush up, as I say, and, as others say nowadays, take a deep dive into math, which the president has shown such a keen grasp of, and has provided so many insights into, and such, that we have come aboard, as they say, again, to provide a firm understanding of arithmetic factorization of the prime assembly and depletion of parts, which, when applied to the, what you call the Real World, the Real World, form a firm basis, a solid platform for what will be the statement of fact underpinning, and guiding, because we are interested only in facts and their distribution and the support for their distribution, the case in the court. So. Everyone open to page 37, numbers and their meaning, which can be seen by taking the square root of -1. Everyone take out your slide rule and begin. Peter, you seem puzzled? Peter says, I don’t have a slide rule. The professor says, What a bother. But don’t worry. Look deep inside your head. That’s an excellent alternative. Peter squints. The professor says, Who can tell me the winner of the Electoral College? Hands shoot up across the classroom. Mike, the Professor says. Mike stands and says, There can be no doubt that, under the president’s leadership, and the program of advanced mathematics he has introduced throughout the administration, there can be no doubt that the president has been overwhelmingly reelected, with a resounding triumph in the Electoral College, far more Electoral College votes than he won the first time around, achieving his second straight mandate from the American people, who also gave him a triumph in the popular vote with massive approval. Mike sits down. The professor says, Excellent, Mike. Perhaps you can tell the class how you made your calculations. Mike says, I used Real Numbers, not those defined in the text as Not Real Numbers. The professor says, Good. Go ahead. Mike says, 15+×26.78.24.36 are Not Real Numbers, therefore everything based on them is Not Real Numbers too. Similarly, x+3=x+8 is Not Real. Alternatively, for example, functions like f(z)=az+bcz+d can be defined as taking the value ∞ when cz+d=0 and f(∞) can be defined as ac. Then the resulting f(z) definition is continuous and infinitely differentiable at all points in C∞. It also has the property that it maps circles to circles (including ones passing through ∞). Think of the president as a glass ball sitting on the edge of an abyss, or the beginning of a complex plane. Given any point z on the complex plane, draw a line from the top of the presidential ball through the point z. This will intersect the surface of the ball at one point other than the top. If you use that point on the surface of the sphere to represent the number z then you have defined a one-one mapping between all points of the complex plane and all points on the surface of the ball — except the top. Call the top ∞ and let C∞ stand for C∪{∞}. Peter says, The President has made that point numerous times. The professor says, So you are positing C∪{∞} as a Real Number and using that, you determine the resounding electoral and popular victory. Mike says, Yes. This is the key. It presents the essence of Alternative Factual Theory and clearly demonstrates the president’s victory. The professor says, Well done. Well done, Mike. I think you have proven how inspiring and imaginative the president’s leadership can be. You may sit down. Mike sits.