CSI: American Carnage (Monday, October 21, 2019)
IN THE CYBER – The entire landscape shakes as enormous Vweets tear into the cold ground, spewing mud and dirt that darkens the lavender sky. Narrow laser tweets scissor through the forest, ripping apart the plushies who live there and forcing Little Timmy, pup reporter, and the Professor’s small strike force to take cover. Gee, Professor, why do you think there’s so much traffic out here now? asks Timmy. There’s a terrific amount of ordinance! The Professor, tapping his pipe on a rock and gazing thoughtfully at the hellish scene, is about to answer when a deafening shriek rips the air and a massive explosion tears at the middle distance, releasing language buried deep underground. Words rise. They foul the air with ancient epithets and rapidly decay in the aerobic atmosphere. Why wouldn’t Podesta and Hillary Clinton allow the FBI to see the server? They brought in another company that I hear is Ukrainian-based. I heard it’s owned by a very rich Ukrainian, that’s what I heard. A piercing rat-tat-tat tears through the forest. Trees fall and furry fans are cut down as they flee for cover in the Furry Underground. What is the server saying? echoes in the distance. Why didn’t the FBI take the server. Why didn’t they take the server? Where is the server, I want to know, and what is the server saying? The Professor shakes his head. He says, Well, Timmy this is highly destructive ordinance. It’s designed to disrupt the neural networks, severing familiar ties to the material world and leaving systems disoriented and confused. Sarah, Timmy’s friend from the resistance potluck, says, The autocrat will do anything and say anything to sow this kind of confusion. In such an environment, he will bind his followers together, creating an imaginary bogeyman who opposes him and reinforcing himself in their minds as the only source of reliable and accurate information. He is truly their savior and the savior of the entire world. Boris, genial triple agent, says, It is from old Uncle Joe playbook, refined by Poohteen. Another Vweet explodes, sending clods of language skyward. Real liberty can exist only where exploitation has been abolished! Boris says, Thees ees Uncle Joe. Another laser tweet takes down branches and plushies in the woods. Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything. The deadly tweet narrowly misses the strike force as it ricochets off the rocks. Boris says, You see! I am telling you. Uncle Joe. Mohammed calls out, Something is moving out there! What is it? The strike force peers from their stony cover and watches as a gruesome giant figure lifts itself from the melting permafrost in the middle distance. Rabbits and birds flee. The figure’s face is a vague palette of colors slopped together, and it hefts a menacing mountain of paper that it sends into the air, watching with interest as the mountain descends, crushing the terrified fawns and does that flee before it. The figure dematerializes and reassembles in the form of Secretary Clinton! It dissolves again and emerges as something akin to John Podesta. Rapid-fire clicks emanate from it’s mouth as it hurls missiles of metadata beyond the hills. The creature casts a cruel eye on all it crushes underfoot. Oh my goodness! exclaims the Professor. It’s Guccifer 2.0! — Monday, October 21, 2019