CSI: American Carnage (Monday, November 26, 2018)
Elyria, Ohio. The Professor stares out the window at a bleak and broken landscape. To no one in particular he says, It looks bad, really bad. Little Timmy, pup reporter, says, Put his cell on speaker, Professor, it’s Calling Time. The Professor says, Yes, of course. He flips a switch and Donald’s voice comes in loud and clear. Donald says, Fuck you, and hangs up. Chattering in Russian, Chinese, and Estonian is heard in the background. Timmy says, What’s that? Mohammed, his friend, says, Sometimes the signals of all who are listening in on the president get crossed. Sarah, Timmy’s friend from the resistance potluck, says, We can measure the traffic. It looks like 327 separate foreign entities have tapped into the president’s cell phone and an enormous number of private operatives, such as ourselves, are all gathered around to listen in. The president’s cellphone chatter is very popular. Boris, genial triple-agent, says, Who ees he calling? The voice crackles over the speaker. Sarah says, Crowds are listening, crowds! Shhh! It’s showtime. A nasaly voice comes on the line. This is Cindy, how can I help y’all? Donald says, This is President Trump, Cindy. Cindy says, Why, gracious me, I am so honored that you have called and I so look forward to seeing you at today’s rally at the Gulf Coast Coliseum. Donald says, We’re going to attend the rally. You want the love, you have requested the embrace, and it will arrive later today, ready to wrap you up and deliver you to the Senate. You’ll get the love. Don’t worry. Cindy says, Why, gracious me. Donald says, You are, you know, highly respected, highly. You’re a good person. Very well regarded. Very smart. And what an education! Only private schools, which are the best schools, as everyone knows. I attended only private schools. Ivy League. Penn. So we will be arriving later. Cindy says, Why I am so honored. If you invited me to a public hanging, I’d be on the front row. Donald says, That is a great line, which the Fake News™ is attacking you for but they would broadcast that hanging in a second. Todd and Acosta would be all over it. They’re all about the ratings, Cindy, and you are ratings. Yeah, yeah, everyone is ratings, sure. But public hangings are great ratings. You at a public hanging would become the gold standard. Cindy says, Just so you know, this comment was twisted and it was turned into a weapon to be used against me. Donald says, They do it all the time. All the time. Fake News™. Cindy says, For anyone that was offended by my comments, I certainly apologize. There was no ill will, no intent whatsoever in my statements. Donald says, I know that. It was just a general comment you made. Everyone makes it. But the morons take words at face value. They think they mean what they say and not what you mean they mean. Big difference. Very stupid. I am master of the words I use. That is the key. Neither more nor less. And now I will spread the magic over the great state of Mississippi and the words I use will be words that the people of Mississippi understand and are grateful for, which is what I am saying.
— Monday, Nov. 26, 2018