CSI: American Carnage (Monday, March 18, 2019)
CALEXICO, Calif. — At a diner in a dusty border town, a black uniformed paramilitary unit has taken the Professor and Boris into custody. The Professor says, I have never been to Macondo! I demand to see the American consul! Boris, identified by the Homeland Advanced Recognition Technology (HART) as an Isis agent seeking entry to the American homeland, says, I am close to Poohteen. You do not wish me to report thees back to heem! The leader of the border patrol says, I have no idea what you’re taking about Juan, or whoever you are. But we have ways of finding out. At that point, the sound of chains clanking on the diner steps can be clearly heard. The leader says, Pete, check it out. Pete moves toward the door, M16 in hand. The door opens, and what appears to be a rotting corpse trudges in. His clothes are disintegrating. His face is rotting. He looks around. The leader says, It’s the Ghost of John McCain! Pete opens fire with his M16, but McCain keeps on coming. He looks around at the scene. The leader of the unit says, Fall back, men, this is something we’ve never seen before, a terrible creature unleashed by the Mexicans. These Mexicans and their Muslim allies will stop at nothing. The men fall back. The Ghost of McCain blinks. A finger falls off. The leader shouts, Obama created you, right? Obama and Hillary. A woman watching the encounter, says I can’t trust Obama. I’ve read about him, and he’s not, he’s not — he’s an Arab. The Ghost of McCain turns toward her and shakes his head. Clods of wet dirt cascade to the floor. The Ghost says, No ma’am. He’s a decent family man, a citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues. He is a decent person and a person that you do not have to be scared of. I admire Obama and his accomplishments, I will respect him. I want everyone to be respectful, and let’s make sure we are. Because that’s the way politics should be conducted in America. The woman looks at the Ghost with growing horror on her face. She backs away. Her hands go to the side of her face and she screams. Pete opens fire again. The leader shouts, Fall back, fall back! Everybody into the storeroom. Cover your ears. The Ghost blinks. He says, We are just talking about common decency. The leader screams, Move! Move! Move! Get out now! He’s using Muslim code! The Ghost stares at the scrambling soldiers and the diners with their hands over her ears. They crush up against a swing door and finally push through to the other side. The Ghost watches and finally says in a soft, plaintive voice, Where’s Lindsey? Where is my beautiful Lindsey?
— Monday, March 18, 2019