CSI: American Carnage (Monday, March 11, 2019)
CALEXICO, Calif. – With the Times guy at the wheel, the reporters head back to town through mile after mile of empty wasteland. Sagebrush blows across the road and heat waves shimmer in the distance. The only moving thing on the desiccated landscape is their Chevy Blazer humming along the road. Hey, says the Post guy, where is everybody? There hasn’t been another car for miles. Nobody in the fields. The Times guy says, There are no fields. He turns back to the road. No mourners grieve at the Mountain View Cemetery as they pass. Tumbleweed blows through the parking lot at the Walmart Supercenter. As the reporters get closer to town center, they see no cars in the Denny’s lot, no one on the street heading into the Fallas Paredes Discount Store. The Times guy is driving slowly now. He says, There’s something strange going on here. Where is everybody? Beats me, says the Post guy, looking up and down the street. At that moment, a pack of moon-suited figures holding what appear to be hoses attached to vacuum cleaners strapped to their backs swing around the corner. Another group armed with M16s bursts from the other side of the street. The street is filled with menacing moon-suited agents of some kind. The Times guy slams on the brakes. The Post guy lurches forward. He says, What the? One of the vacuum cleaner people holds a bull horn. He speaks into a microphone. He says, Testing, testing, testing. This thing working? 1, 2, 3. Okay. Out of the car. Out of the car. The reporters stare. The Times guy says, This is surreal. The Post guy says, Just do what he says. They aren’t messing around with reporters down here. Maybe we got martial law or something. Maybe they are alien invaders. You got your press tag? The Times guy points to his hat band and says, Right here. But hey, we were only gone looking at the desert for a couple of hours. The Post guy says, Everything gets speeded up these days, you know what I mean. The Times guy says, Do chickens have lips? The guy with the bullhorn repeats, Get out of the vehicle now. Keep your hands in plain sight. The Times guy asks the Post guy, Are you black? The Post guy says, Depends on what you mean, black. Are we talking the one drop theory? The Times guy is about to reply when several moon-suited figures pull him from the Chevy. The Post guy shouts, Press! Press! Press! They grab him too. An imposing figure whose bulk is amplified by the bulbous folds of his white moon suit, pulls out a piece of paper, and begins reading. He says, This entire TOWN has been placed under the authority of the National Institutes of Health, Unit A, Quarantine Operations. Because of the Spread of Mumps and other childhood DEEZEEZUZ, all citizens are ordered to proceed to the Quarantine CENTERS located in the TRUMP-designated Tent City located at Mile B on County Road C. All citizens will remain in said Location while the Town Center is BLEACHED by the experts. By ORDER of the authority of the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, his associates and assigns, signed this day by the President of the United States, also known as the President. His mark. Take them away boys, we go the clorox people coming through here in 11 minutes.
— Monday, March 11, 2019