CSI: American Carnage (Monday, June 8, 2020)
WASHINGTON — Reporters jam into the Rose Garden. Donald looks down on them from the podium. A ray of sunlight cuts through the clouds and illuminates the right side of his face, triggering a slow melt of his jowl. Mike quickly pulls out a pocket handkerchief and hands it to the president. Donald’s cheek is now dripping onto his shirt collar, a viscous leak running in rivulets down the right side of his face and forming a muddy ring around his neck, a rope of melting goop. Mr. President, shouts a reporter, What is your plan for addressing systemic racism? Donald says, Please. We are trying to get something done here. Yes? He points at another reporter. The reporter says, Just to follow up. Donald says, Not you. Behind you. A reporter says, Do you have a plan? Donald says, You are something. My plan is to dump all the bad, failed Fake News™ reporters, every last one. Another reporter says, What are you going to tell the American people about the plan, sir? Donald says, We had the greatest economy in the history of the world and that strength let us get through this horrible pandemic, largely through. I think we are doing really well. Vaccines. By the way I had a meeting yesterday on vaccines, we are doing incredibly well with that. I think you are going to have some very positive surprises. And therapeutics likewise. We are doing extremely well. If I wasn’t constantly harassed for three years by fake and illegal investigations, Russia, Russia, Russia, and the Impeachment Hoax, I’d be up by 25 points on Sleepy Joe and the Do Nothing Democrats. Very unfair, but it is what it is!!! Mr. President. Mr. President. Donald ignores the reporters as the right side of his face continues to leak onto his collar and down into his shirt. He says, Cures, we are doing well. I think those two words really blend in with each other. But tremendous progress is being made on vaccines. In fact, we have, ready to go in terms of transportation and logistics, we have over 2 million ready to go. If it checks out for safety and it is also, the nice part is we have four companies, I guess you could even say seven or eight companies, four, five, six, seven, eight, that are doing some similar, and some very different, on the vaccine front, and some similar and somewhat different on the therapeutic front. So tremendous progress is being made on that and, I think, even without that, and I have to say even without that and I don’t think you are going to having to use that in the future, that statement even without because I think they are going to have it. But we are going to be back and we are opening our country and I hope that the lockdown governors, I don’t know why they continue to lockdown because if you look at Georgia, if you look at Florida, if you look at South Carolina, if you look at so many different places that have opened up, I don’t want to name all of them, but the ones that are most energetic about opening, they are doing tremendous business, and this is what these numbers are all about. And you have to remember one other thing very importantly — I think it is extremely important for you to remember that many of our states are closed or almost closed, some of the big ones New York, New Jersey they will start, they are starting now to get open, I hope, and I hope they also use our National Guard. The wall is going up. We have completed the extension here at my house, the very historic White House, which is now, as you know, being protected by six is it? Donald looks at Mike. Mike says, Seven. He breathes a sigh of relief. The sun has gone behind a cloud stemming the rapid melt of Donald’s face. Donald looks back at the reporters. He says, Seven miles of high tension chrome steel. Why, you could have a giant monkey on stage in chains on Broadway and it wouldn’t be able to break into the White House, not with that steel, which I know a lot about, because I build, I am a builder, and the American people know that, which may come as a surprise to you, but then you are Fake News™. – Monday, June 8, 2020