CSI: American Carnage (Monday, January 28, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Sire, says Mike, Mother and I have held counsel with the leaders of your far-flung realms. Our pastor has advised us that the people are ready to rise. They are ready in North Carolina. They are ready in Wisconsin. They are ready in Michigan. All over this great godly country, eyes are turned toward you, as though you were the sun emerging from an eclipse and bathing us all with a brilliant, bright light after a period of darkness without the sunlight. We have stripped the heathens of their demonic powers. We have held the vote closely, and foiled the efforts of the dark and the poor to steal what is rightfully yours. We have slapped down the feeble efforts of the Infidel. We are ready to proclaim your kingdom across the land. Donald says, Rise. Mike gets up off the floor. Donald says, You have done well in this endeavor. But what of Honduras? Honduras is doing nothing for us. Guatemala is doing nothing for us. El Salvador is doing nothing for us. We send Honduras hundreds of millions of dollars and they send us caravans. Caravans! Mike says, My most magisterial, our pastor says that a caravan will follow the trail of oats unto a wall wherein there are small piles of oats for the taking. Donald says, But if the trail of oats leads beyond the wall? Mike says, The trail of oats will draw the caravan to the wall, which our pastor proclaims will be constructed by the Jews in their fifth Period of Servitude, beginning Feb. 15. The liegemen of Honduras, as tokens of their gratitude and other things, have agreed to contain and direct the caravan and will pay tribute to you, sire, with six of their finest camels, four mules, 11 bags of hot poppers, and a storage center for vast supplies of lover’s speed, Georgia home boy, special K, and roofies. Street value, according to our canonical liason with the Christian brethren of MS13, is approximately $500 million. As an added bonus, they say they have ways of dealing with Demonic Nancy that will end her endless obstructionism and provide for a free flow of business. Sire, the border is poised to be the Silk Road of the New World, and you are its toll collector! Donald says, We must now turn our attention fully to the Russia thing. Mike says, It is all interconnected, Sire, as you know better than anyone. The presence of the caravans, the belligerence of your opponents, the enthusiasm of the Christians of our Great Country, all compels you to declare the emergency. Your vision of The Wall will give rise to the emergency that will prevent the Russia-thing probe from achieving its illegal, immoral, and satanic ends. The homosexuals, the gays and lesbians, the transgenders, the terrorists, the radical Islamic terrorists, the Fake News™, the Venezuelans, the Democrats, the NBA, the poor, the dark, the Jews, the Muslims, the college-educated Catholics, the atheists, the pushy farmers, the Hollywood liberals, the unions, the sickening Soccer Moms, the halt, the sick, the women, the illegals, the pointy headed professors, the nattering nabobs, the clamorous minority, the Never Trumpers, the tekkies, the Asians, the English, the Eurotrash, the…. Donald says, Hold on, the Eurotrash is with me. Mike says, I am so sorry, sire. My deepest apologies. The Eurotrash will not join the others in the reeducation centers. Donald says, We’ll see. Continue.
— Monday, Jan. 28, 2019