CSI: American Carnage (Monday, December 2, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Hector, Hec! Donald shouts. Hector, fully charged, unplugs from his niche and attempts to move past the wall of discarded boxes and food items rising in every direction. The path toward the teevee viewing area and the presidential recliner is blocked by a recent avalanche of old Nutter Butter cones, melted by Donald’s unrestrained use of the Gold-N-Hot Professional Jet Bonnet Dryer Attachment given to him by Judge Jeanine after a particularly loving pre-rally meet ‘n’ greet. Hector! Donald shouts again. Hector’s shoe comes off, stuck to something gummy on the floor. He pushes aside the wrappers and partially eaten rolled chicken tacos and nacho cheese dip accumulating like piles of leaves around the garbage cans. Shadowy forms shriek and scuttle away. Hector ignores them and makes his way to the south and then back up to Donald, who is slumped in the recliner, wrapper askew, remote on the floor next to a spilled Fruity Punch Cooler and numerous half-empty containers. Hector stands silently before Donald, who says, Hec! Where the hell? I can’t find the remote. Somebody stole the remote. McMaster! I told them to keep an eye on the sonuvabitch! Hector reaches down, picks up the remote and hands it to Donald. Donald says, You got it back! They’ve been trying to keep it from me. They kept the turkey from me too. Only gave me some potatoes. I like potatoes, but I wanted turkey. Wouldn’t give it to me. Here, you can see it. We got it on tape. Donald aims the remote at the teevee. His recent Bagram appearance begins to play. Donald pauses it again. He says, This is in Iran or Iraq. Okay. Awhile ago. He punches the remote. Hector stares silently toward the back of the Executive Lounge. Donald says, Listen to this. On the teevee, Donald says, As we gather together for Thanksgiving, you know, some people want to change the name Thanksgiving. They don’t want to use the term Thanksgiving. And that was true also with Christmas. But now everybody’s using Christmas again. Remember this? This is not Christmas. They are calling it, Thanksgiving’s what it was. Okay. The war. You know about war. I know about war. But now we’re going to have to do a little work on Thanksgiving. People have different ideas. Why it shouldn’t be called Thanksgiving. But everybody in this room, I know, loves the name Thanksgiving. And we’re not changing. That’s why I got elected. I got elected. I get elected, and I beat the Bush dynasty. I get elected, and I beat — and again with no experience, I didn’t have experience, I have tremendous world experience but I didn’t have political experience — so I get elected and we beat the Clinton dynasty, right? And then we beat Barack Hussein Obama and whatever the hell dynasty that is. Donald pauses the teevee as the crowd cheers. Donald says, Hec, they love me. They love what I’m doing. But they don’t love that looser Saddam and his brother Obama. – Monday, December 2, 2019.