CSI: American Carnage (July 4, 2019)
NEW YORK — Ains gives a great big smile and says, Let’s bring in the tanks! She wiggles and looks at Killer. Killer turns to Ains and says, He’s fired up! The great military leaders are thrilled to be doing this and showing to the American people, well, everything we’re paying for – the military hardware. We got the best military in the world. He put $770 billion into it over the past two years, and probably 700 billion this year. Ains’ grin grows even wider. She says, He’s gonna have fireworks, flyovers, tanks, and more military vehicles… Grifter is sitting in for the Doocer. It’s the Grift’s big shot. He turns full frontal on Ains and Killer and says, I’m excited because I’m gonna leave here and go down there so I can be out there with you guys tomorrow morning. Ains flashes teeth and puts her hands together. Right! she says. Grift says, I’ve never seen an M1, A1, uh, Abrams tank or a Bradley Fighting Vehicle or any planes flying over. So it’s going to be quite a sight. Ains says, To see those tanks rolling into your city! it gets you fired up, it gets you excited because that represents our military and that represents America and that’s you, that’s all of us, together. But you’ve had critics! There are so many critics out there saying, Oh it’s gonna ruin the sidewalks. It’s gonna damage our roads. Like, what?? Killer chimes in, I’ve always said keep the tanks off the sidewalks! That’s always been my pet peeve. Ha ha ha. There are critics, he says. They say it’s nauseating. They says it isn’t just obnoxious tackiness. They say it’s dangerous. They say it’s un-American. Ains interjects, Like, what? Killer says they say it’s a threat, a threat to the president’s fellow Americans. They call him a tyrant. They say it’s a sign of his neediness and insecurity. Soviet. Dictator. But you know what? Ains says, Like, what? Killer says, They say the same thing about everything. The Grift says, I don’t get the Soviet. What’s with that? Killer rolls on. He says, They find everything he says so ridiculous, so over the top, so overblown. Ains says, Shouldn’t this be a bipartisan issue? Were celebrating America! Are they American? Killer says, We’ll be back in a moment to discuss whether Puerto Rico and the Bronx are legally part of the United States of America. You know, Ogden Nash? Ains says, No. I know AOC! Ha ha ha. Killer says, Ogden Nash, one of this nation’s greatest poets, once wrote, The Bronx, No thonx. We’ll be back after this. – Thursday, July 4, 2019