CSI: American Carnage (Jan. 19, 2021)
“It’s a pure theft in American history, everybody knows it.”
WASHINGTON — Whale Watch Base to Whale Hunt One, do you read? This is Whale Hunt One, loud and clear, over. Whale Hunt One, what is your position, over. We are moving into the corridor now, Whale Watch. Lots of squishy white gop streaming down the walls and bubbling from the floor, over. Whale Hunt One, repeat please. Whale Watch, We have a thick soup rising everywhere. It’s giving off an awful stench, lieutenant. Over. Whale Hunt One, you have your Tactical Mold Remediation Lasers. Use them. Whale Watch One, Copy that. We are skimming a path. Hernandez went down, but we pulled him out. We are approaching the door of the Executive Lounge, over. Whale Hunt One, Proceed with extreme caution. Target is to be captured and extracted from Recliner Area, over. Copy that, Whale Watch. We are at the door. You should see this, lieutenant. The door has dissolved. There’s nothing left! Whale Hunt One, Use your lasers to cut through the goop. Puppy Dog says target’s right big toe was approximately two meters from doorway at last sighting, over. Whale Watch One, Copy that. We are cutting through the mold now. It’s amazing, lieutenant. It’s like a spider’s den in here. Lots of insects and small microbial creatures. I’ve never seen anything like it. The smell is unbelievable. No human could live in this environment. It’s hard to see, but I think we can make out the recliner. Over. Whale Hunt One, caution is advised. Be careful, Whale Hunt, BioLab has not been able to map toxicity levels. Lieutenant! Un-fricking-believable. What is it, Whale Hunt? Whale Hunt? Do you read? Whale Hunt, come in, come in! Whale Watch, sorry about that. We were startled by voices. Whale Hunt, what voices? Nothing human could survive in there. Have you begun to hallucinate? Take the pills. Whale Watch, No hallucination sir, it was the teevee. The teevee is still on; it’s looping speeches! My god! Can you hear it? Listen: It’s a pure theft in American history, everybody knows it. The caravans are forming again. They want to come in again and rip off our country. Can’t let it happen. We’re going to try and give our Republicans, the weak ones, because the strong ones don’t need any of our help, we’re going to try and give them the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country. Did you hear that lieutenant? Target is in here watching repeats of Jan. 6! It’s on a loop. Lieutenant! This is insane! Whale Hunt, Whale Hunt, easy, easy, settle down soldier. You’ve got a job to do. Extract the target and bring it down to OpCent. We’ve got Model Two here. It’s in good working condition. The Saudis did a great job. Over. Whale Watch, We see the target! He’s completely wrapped in mold, it’s like some kind of body stocking or something. It’s like a mummy! Lieutenant! It’s like a mummy! Whale Hunt, easy soldier. Extract the target. Use the hand truck. Over. Whale Watch, copy that. Wait lieutenant. There’s something else in here. Wait a sec. Oh my god! There’re birds in here, lieutenant, birds! They look like vultures. They’re everywhere. Let me get a closer look. They are huge. They are casting huge shadows. Black shadows. Time is dying in here, lieutenant. Wait. Something is happening. Whale Hunt, Whale Hunt! Get the cocoon on the hand truck, now! Get out of there! Now! Soldier! Move! Move! Whale Watch we have completed extraction and are retreating back down the corridor. Cocoon is on the hand truck. Cpl. Morales used his entrenching tool to beat back the birds. They were so fat, they just rolled over. Fell off the fridge. Fell off the stove. Weird. Whale Hunt, Forget that. Get the cocoon down to OpCent. We have Orca ready to swap in. Our country owes you, sergeant. But no one knows that but us. – Jan. 19, 2021