CSI: American Carnage (Friday, October 18, 2019)
NEW YORK – Mike sits in the doctor’s waiting room carefully reviewing his notes. The nurse enters and says, The doctor will see you now. Mike and his small entourage consisting of Stephen and Julia, rise and proceed to the white-coated doctor leaning against his desk. He has a stethoscope around his neck, a pupil dilator in his breast pocket, and some lemon lollipops on his otherwise clean desktop. The doctor smiles at them and says, Please have some seats. You wish to see me about a third party? That’s highly unusual, but I’m happy to listen and give you my best advice. Mike says, Thank you, Dr. Welby. The Doctor says, Not at all. We are here to help and serve to the best of our ability. Did you provide our nurse with your insurance cards? Stephen says, Insurance? Dr. Welby says, Yes, we have to get your name and number. Nurse Lopez will put it into the system. Mike says, You do recognize me? Dr. Welby says, Of course I do! But our digital facial recognition technology is not capable, at this time, of linking your tracked facial features with our digitized medical file system. I am so sorry. But it’s one of life’s little troubles these days. Stephen says, Nurse Lopez? Dr. Welby says, Yes, a most resourceful and loving aide, any doctor would be proud to have her. Mike says, Here, take my card. Doctor. Our associate has been having difficulties in recent days. Dr. Welby looks very serious. He says, I see. I think I know who we’re talking about. Mike says, We are not mentioning names. Dr. Welby says, Alright, of curse, he shall be he whose name shall not be mentioned. Mike says, He is in a constant rage, even in bed at night. He flails. He reaches out with his hands. He insults. He says no one and no place will contain him. Hmm, says Dr. Welby. We’ve seen a lot of this in recent years. It could be ED — anger and spousal abuse or abuse of women are sure signs of it. Mike says, Well, that could be, but he tells stories of longevity all the time. You know, He lasted this long with this one and that long with that one. He says, They just ask him to grab them. Dr. Welby says, Hmm. Well, some form of paraphilia could be the problem. Perhaps compulsive masturbation. Mike says, No, absolutely not. Dr. Welby walks around to his desk chair. He says to Mike, There may be shame involved, but there’s no reason there should be. Compulsive masturbation often masks underlying psycho-sexual disorders. He whose name shall not be mentioned believes his hands are much larger than they are, doesn’t he? Mike says, Why, yes, he does. Dr. Welby says, Hmmm. I thought so. We could be looking at Todd Syndrome, or even more disturbing to the patient, Alien Hand Syndrome. Julia’s eyes open wide. Mike says, Goodness. Stephen says, Not possible. He is opposed to alien hands. I think agalmatophilia is far more likely. Absolutely. Dr. Welby says, Interesting. It is associated with some of this behaviors. Stephen says, Yes. Absolutely. Dr. Welby says, That can lead, in some cases, to anthropophagolagnia. Mike gasps. He says, That seems unlikely, doctor. He does fairly conventional take out. Dr. Welby says, Hmmm. There are cases in Washington now of forniphilia, as though it is catching. It’s definitely going around. But given all you’ve told me, my best guess is autagonistophilia. It’s epidemic. I’d say give him a new iPhone and watch. Do not masturbate as you do so. He’ll probably come around soon enough. And if not, well, then we’ll know. Just be on the lookout for any signs of dacnolagnomania. You can pay on the way out. – Friday, October 18, 2019