CSI: American Carnage (Friday, March 15, 2019)
CALEXICO, Calif. — The Times guy and the Post guy have been mistaken for border-security enthusiasts and are on a tour of TrumpAttica-West. The tour guide, a black-uniformed paramilitary trooper in helmet and gas mask, says, Any questions? The Times guy raises his hand. He says, Psychotropic experiments in transmogrification? The tour guide says, Yes! It’s very cutting edge. Imagine if each thug, rapist, drug-dealer, and gang member that Mexico sends north to infest the border is transformed into a creature with a bovine docility, a creature whose whole purpose is to serve — pack mules, if you will, caddies for the nation. The Times guy says, I must admit, I never thought of that. Oh yes, says the guide. We are transforming a gross and threatening infestation from into a bright, clean future. Now, I’m sure you all are interested in our security here. We have only the best. Follow me. They walk across a large open area where children are tethered to tall poles, soccer balls just out of reach, and enter the northern quadrant, a sector that appears to be a vast staging area. Hundreds of motorcycles are parked, row after row, tattooed bikers lounge and drink beer beneath canopies, and a few business-suited manikins are scattered prostrate on the ground. The tour guide points to one and says, For training. Indeed, a few bikers kick and stomp one manikin, shoving it head first into a portapotty. The Post guy says, This is security? The guide says, Absolutely. I can tell you we have the support of the police, the support of the military, the support of the Bikers for Trump – we have the tough people, but they don’t play it tough — until they go to a certain point, and then it’s very bad, very bad. But the left plays it cuter and tougher. Like with all the nonsense that they do in Congress … with all this investigations—that’s all they want to do is –you know, they do things that are nasty. Republicans never played this. But now we’ve got these well-trained bikers. They’re hungry. We feed them very little. A Trump Steak every now and again. We project images on the big screens of Democrats wringing their hands and complaining about things like gender discrimination and urging justice and equality. It doesn’t take much to rile our security people. And they are hungry meat eaters. They want to rape Mother Nature. They don’t cotton to the unbleached and the unwashed. They don’t like anyone speaking in some foreign language. So, security, yes, we have it, and it’s something I hear we’re going to be using elsewhere moving forward. We can all rest easy at night.
— Friday, March 15, 2019