CSI: American Carnage (Friday, March 1, 2019)
WASHINGTON — Sire, Mike says, we are all so overwhelmed at your return. Words cannot express our happiness. Mike falls to the floor, wraps his arms around Donald’s leg, and begins kissing his shoe. Donald says, Rise. He says, We put the little fat guy right back in his place, the place he belongs, back in his shithole little country eating his kimchi and his garlic. Mike says, We all watched your performance with awe, sire. You were, as usual magnificent. You played him like a violin. First with your demand for development rights in Pyongyang. And then the brilliant pivot on the Wambier boy. Of course Kim knows nothing of such acts. Donald says, The Russians say Kim’s okay, and I believe them. Why wouldn’t I believe them? Mike winks. He says, Of course, your magnificence. Donald says, So Kim says he didn’t know anything about it, why wouldn’t I believe him? Plus we have business. Trump Pyongyang is moving along beautifully. Trump Korea is in the pipeline. Xi backs it. Vlad backs it. Moon is coming along. Abe. They all believe that Trump Korea will be a brilliant success, you know what I mean. Donald winks. Mike says, Oh yes, sire, it is a magnificent plan and the congress is completely behind you, as are the American people, once they hear the full scope. Mike winks. Donald nods. Donald says, Of course they are. They know that our success is the nation’s success. American concrete. A huge port. America, Trump, America, Trump. Trump. Trump. No president in history has had an entire country for their own port. Trump and America are completely intertwined. Trumplandia. Trump Korea. The Vietnamese understand that, they understand that we have only their best interests in our guts, and they were all very nice, very nice, and asked me about my feet and were very helpful and honest. Donald winks. He says, But that fucking rat is meddling and mucking around, I see. I’m out of the country and the rat begins scuttling. Why is he opening his mouth? Why do we allow this kind of lying and disgusting behavior? I said, it’s funny, he lied about so many things, and yet he could have said — he might as well lie about that one, too. But he said no collusion. I don’t know. But it was a terrible display of dishonesty. And we’re gonna see more. More lies. More dishonesty. His trap just keeps flapping like the fucking rat that he is. Now he’s got Allan into the fucking confessional. He’s whispering in Little Adam’s ear. He’s got Rhona on her fucking knees. Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest? Mike nods. Donald winks. He says, Calamari. I love Calamari. No garlic. Donald winks. Mike nods.
— Friday, March 1, 2019