CSI: American Carnage (Friday, July 3, 2020)
ARIZONA – Little Timmy, pup reporter, and the Professor’s small strike force move slowly through the desert. It is evening. Boris, genial triple agent, is speaking with Bill, the cadaver from the Army of the Dead. We have communiqué from newsroom, he says. We must track and trace hoaxes and now we are moving into one of the hottest spots. Sarah, Timmy’s friend from the resistance potluck, overhears the conversation. She says, There is a long history of hoax in this area, but the current outbreak is deadly. This is where we encountered Veterans on Patrol who were investigating the homeless camp they identified as ground zero of a pedophile sex trafficking ring. Bill says, They brought in a cadaver dog, it was chilling for those like myself. Sarah says, Arizona is like a petri dish, hoax bacteria thrive here, spilling everywhere, transmitted by elderly low-information gullibles. Remember Goldwater grew here, flowering from the fear of the greatest of all conspiracies, the communist conspiracy, which, back in the day, was stoked by resurgent racism. Bill the cadaver says, Goldwater. We remember him. He voted against the Civil Rights Act and stoked fears of a changing world. In America that’s not good news for the world of what they were calling Afro-Americans back then. I remember my daddy gave me a long talk about dos and don’ts. A long, long talk. Sarah says, Goldwater seems quaint and kindly these days. He… Timmy interrupts: Look! There are bodies behind that cactus! The Professor says, Steady now everyone. Mohammed, go check. Mohammed, Timmy’s friend, moves cautiously out into the desert, practically disappearing in the twilight. The Professor says, Timmy, the latest text from the Editors warns that Hoaxes are spreading everywhere. We need to proceed with caution. Mohammed comes back, out of breath. He says, The body behind the big cactus, he says his name is David. Can we help? He says he has been left for dead. Sarah says, Let’s go. The strike force moves closer, surrounding the body. The Professor says, Who are you? The body says, Water. Please. A little water. Timmy hands him a sippy cup. The body drinks. Boris says, Who are you? The body says, I’m just a simple guy, Dave Dennison. I was in bed with my woman, the beautiful Peggy Peterson, with the bazooms like you wouldn’t believe, out to here, and what a pussy! Sarah says, Back away everyone, we have an active transmitter here. The group moves away. The Professor keys in coordinates and texts them to the Editors. That was close, Timmy says. Sarah shakes her head. She says, David Dennison paid off Peggy Peterson in 2016 to keep her quiet about their affair. He also was a double for Elliott Broidy who was shtupping Peggy, who was really Shera Bechard, at least when she was shtupping Broidy, although she was Stormy before that. Avanati says that Dave is a paid body double, a contract shtupper. Bill the Cadaver says, Geez. Avanati? So who is Broidy? Mohammed says, he is the Autocrat. The Professor says, Ok everybody. We’re going to back away slowly until we get away from this infected place. At that moment, there is a faint call from the gathering darkness. Help. Help me. Won’t someone please help me? The group stops in its tracks. — July 3, 2020