CSI: American Carnage (Friday, July 19, 2019)
WASHINGTON – Hector! Hector! Donald calls out. Get me the poppers, dammit! I want the poppers now! Hector unplugs from his wall niche, navigates around a slough of old cheese with decaying rodents trapped by its muck, sweeps aside a pile of insect shells, and grabs a bowl from the counter near the fridge. He brings it over and hands it to Donald. There is a knock at the door. Donald arranges his wrapper and says, Come. The door swings open but there is no one to be seen. Donald half rises and peers over the back of the settee and finally Mike, already prostrate, wiggles on his belly into the Executive Lounge. Sire, Sire! he says. Most Magnificent! I bring greetings from our pastor and Mother who have just tweeted their support from Condado Vanderbilt in San Juan. Oh Highness! They say your munificence and generosity are evident everywhere in the spa – from the Jim Fisk Memorial Hot Tub Ranchero to the Jay Gould Paper Towel Dispensary – your presence is everywhere in what is left of San Juan. Donald says, It is nothing. The Puerto Rican girls deserve what we can give them. Donald pops something into his mouth. Mike says, Oh Most High, Lord of Lords, I bring you greetings from the Apostles who hail your brilliance and pine for that time when they can again bask in your shimmering light, which is so like the flickering of an old and venerable fluorescent tube which seeks only to serve the people and shed its brilliance…. Donald says, Yes, yes. What is it? Sire, Mike says, Pastor Mark has asked me to convey to you that your pulchritude knows no bounds. For decades you have shown your subjects in Palm Beach your glorious appearance and your incomparably golden mien. He particularly praised recent documentary footage from 1992 at Mar a Lago in which you and some attendants hosted a feast of cheerleaders from the football team of Buffalo. Pastor Mark sends his warm congratulations on your continuing energetic glamour. Donald says, Yes, yes. Anything more? Mike clears his throat. Well, in fact, Sire, Pastor Mark says he attended the Greenville gathering and he again congratulates you on your awsomeness. Donald says, Hell of a gathering. Maybe 35,000 with tens of thousands, huge crowds, they couldn’t get in. Mike says, Yes, Sire, a glorious success. Mark says, though, that he struggled with the chant from the crowd. Briefly struggled. Mark and others are hopeful that, in the future, the chants can revert to referencing the tried and true imprisoning of your political opponents. Mark says that the messaging is cleaner. Donald says, What chants? What are you talking about? There were no chants. Absolutely no chants. Oh, there was a brief USA! USA! USA! And guess what – I’m not going to stop those, no way. We are united on the USA! It is what makes Our Country great. Mike says, Apologies, Most High. I think Pastor Mark alluded to something about sending someone back. Donald says, I don’t know what you’re talking about, number one, and if I did know, I’d start speaking very quickly, like a fast record, remember the records? They were plastic or glass and they sent out the sounds when they went round and round and you could speed them up. Is that what you’re talking about? Because there was a lot of fast stuff and it really was a loud, and I disagree with it, by the way, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. It was quite a chant. And I felt a little bit badly about it. But I will say this: I did, and I started speaking very quickly. But it started up rather — rather fast, as you probably noticed. I was not happy with it. I disagreed with it. But again, I didn’t say — I didn’t say that; they did. But I disagree with it. And it never happened. There was nothing like that. I just remember I wasn’t happy for awhile and then, after that, I was happy and it was beautiful. – Friday, July 19, 2019